PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED -#ADULTSONLY – #RATEDR – #XXX- foul language – no #nudity – warning — *will cause triggers*
TRUTH IS .. I am ashamed, and disgusted with myself.
( looks down at the ground, grits teeth, and shakes my head )
BUT, after 30 long years, of wrong turns, dead ends, and bad decisions, thankfully they have all contributed to WHO I AM TODAY, and is exactly why I do what we are doing today to raise awareness to #PTSD / #MentalHealth / #Addiction / #Recovery.
A friend of mine strongly suggested that I do not do this “Terrance Talks” tonight LIVE on facebook at 7pm as he says I need to keep my posts POSITIVE on facebook.
Well… “THERE’S NOTHING POSITIVE”, about PTSD, Mental Illness, #stress, #depression, #suicide or #Addiction.
Last week I had received an email, from a new facebook Friend Kara Bentley.She had asked if I would be interested in coming to a women’s #RecoveryHouse in Richmond to share my #lifestory on Monday October 17th at 7 pm. ( LIVE on facebook tonight)
I’ll tell you one thing right now, I am unsure how “exactly” all of this ends up coming around full circle like this,( answer-higher power) but as it does, it gives me more confidence in understanding and knowing that all of our experiences in life, are all truly meant to happen, and certainly do so for a good reason and is simply the way our higher power has each of our destinies written for us.
We are not in control of this, its just the way it is.
It all happens because they are our lessons, our education needed to truly find ourselves, so we can just be ourselves, know ourselves and LOVE ourselves without judgement from others and live without the guilt, shame, stress , and depressing thoughts that we don’t always have the life that everyone else seems to have in the movies, magazines, television, or that happy happy life everyone seems to have on this UNSOCIAL media – disconnected
Even though most times we don’t understand or find ourselves often wondering, “WHY THE FUK is all this SH*T always end up happening to me”?
Why does it seem to be, that I AM the only one who must live with these thoughts, these feelings, this vicious cycle of battling from within the ” DEEPEST- DARKEST – DEPTHS – of the DEVILS belly?
Id rather die than wake up tomorrow to the same tourchure, tears, heartache, stress, guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety that these last years, days, and minutes have given me.
When will I just smile and enjoy the rain on my face instead of the feeling like I am shackled with chains, gaged at my throat, in this burning inferno, as nobody understands me nor can I even trust anyone to tell my thoughts or feelings to without them laughing, judging, or just kicking me to the curb without the weeks, months or even years of back stabbing and two faced bullSH*T drama?
Why must I always pretend to be, or dress or act like someone I am NOT, just to try and keep up with what society says I should be when I am nothing of the sort.
Why can’t I just be NORMAL – when will the doctors figure out the right balance of drugs to give me so I can just be happy, instead of facing this cold, harsh, depressing reality I seem to live with more often then anybody else?
I truly feel honoured that Kara Bentley says that my story inspires her, and feels that I would make a good guest speaker at her recovery house.
Only 2 years ago, I was homeless, and wanting to take my own life, and now somehow a small fish nobody like me, is someones inpriration?
Gift of recovery – #GRATEFUL !
I assure you that, that paths I’ve chosen in life, is not something you are probably prepared to hear about but ..its the truth, and its who I am, and perscily why I am doing what we are doing in life today to help others who are still suffering in silence.
Sorry Ma , time to just tell it how it is, TIME TO GET REAL / RAW , I’m no longer afraid.
Being an ADDICT does NOT MEAN for a minute that you have to be that guy or girl with a needle in your arm or a glass dick in your mouth.
Today, now that I have a better idea about addiction and have learned how to use my disease of addiction in my favour and be proud of being an addict, tonight I will share with you not just the reality of my entire life story, but also happily share with you some of the tools we can all use each day to help manage, and surpress the onset of the symptoms from taking us out at the knees and landing us into the hands of hell.
As I’ve said many times before, I am simply just an ol backcountry farmer, planting seeds.
My personal story is something I am certainly not proud of, and by telling it , will more than likely cause me to loose a few of our sponsors, a few of my friends and followers, and may even get shot or arrested after this talk.
But, like a good movie, book or even a massage, this story certainly has a HAPP-EH ENDING ..( haha )
IT’S NOT WEAK TO SPEAK !!
You can help water the seeds I plant tomorrow, so together, we can connect as humans, grow, and help each other heal naturally.