SELFLESS – HELPING HEALS –
After dragging my sorry ass through the darkest of days, and sleepless nights, I had looked in the mirror at a broken man, dehydated, 30 pounds under weight, at a face only a bulldog momma could love – my heart sank to my toes, hands still shaking uncontrollably, legs weak, rotten teeth, totally ashamed, ambarrased and disgusted with myself.
I had enough of looking, living and feeling this way, I was simply tired and exhausted of waiting for the tooth fairy to bring my soul back to life again.
I WANTED THIS FOR ME – nobody was going to do it for me BUT ME –
I needed to accept the past for the past, and look forward to where I want to go, believe in myself, my goals, my dreams and understand that theres NOTHING WRONG WITH ME other than living in a world totally controlled by broken systems, corrupt insurance companies, laws, and these silly little plastic devices that are quikly hyptotizing humans to become robots faster than we can click the sad face icon
Out the door I went, for my first few steps back into the real world, back into the war zone of todays society full of rules, and people who only weeks earlier judged me, belittled me, and wouldnt even look down at me as I reach up helpless , hungary, homless mind totally altared from copius amounts of Oxycotin I was consumming.
I headed towards the Peoples The Fitness Community , as I knew from years of experience that in order to be strong mentally, I needed to challenge myself daily, PHYSICALLY, and SPIRITUALLY.
Each day on my way to the studio, I passed a huge hoarse farm with 100’s of beautiful stallions, all happily grazing in their troughs, walking around NO CARE in the world, no stress, no worries, no matter the weather they all seemed quite happy just to be living in the moment.
I wanted this life also – my silly thoughts got to me, as I day dreamed of wishing I was just a hoarse, with no laws, no bills, nobody to judge me as I simply stand naked in a field ankle deep in mud, with the cold rain pouring down on my back carefree.Standing and connecting with other hoarses with a simple rub of our noses, and a huge exhale – ( insert hoarse exhale noise here )
I told myself, 1 day when I get a little stronger physcially, and mentally, I will have enough confidence to actually pull over and just be with these beautiful creatures, feed them a few apples and hope to pet one.
After about a week, I recall waking up and thinking to myself, that before I go to the gym today, I must stop at the grocery store and get some apples n carrots to feed the hoarses.
It was pouring rain like no other day, and all my usual excuses came to mind – ahh its raining, ahhh your gonna get all wet, do it tommorrow, or on the way back – – as I approcahed the farm , the rain really picked up and I knew there was no way today was the day – BUT – a little voice came into my head and said ENOUGH with the bullshit excuses, STOP NOW – so I immedialy pulled over.
There were 2 men out in the pouring rain picking up hoarse shit as I yelled them over. Greggers and Adi ( from Poland and Syria ) came over and looked at me like WTF do you want ?
I introduced myself to them and asked politly if i could come in the pasture with them to feed the hoarses.They said No , that I needed to go ask the CHEF for permission.
I explained to them that , NO no nooo , I want to feed the hoarses NOT EAT THEM. I assumed that they weren’t understanding english very well and I kinda smiled.My bad though cause they understood me just fine – Chef in German means the BOSS – THE CHIEF , not the cooking Chef I thought they were talking about .
So, tail between my legs , all ambarrased I set out on a mission to find the cook -I mean, the CHIEF.
An hour later a woman comes out asking if she could help me, I explained to her that I’m from Canada and I would really like to pet and be around the hoarses.I explained to her that I was in Germay to train for a upcomming PTSD awareness program that was to begin in Feb 2016.I told her how I was planning on flipping a 400 pound tractor tire , 1 km per day for 30 days across 7 mountians while wearing over 50 pounds of steel chains.
She looked at me like most do when I tell them that ( eyes wide open ) shes asked – are you ok – are you a lilttle bit crazy ?
I smiled and admitted humbly – ” yes, probably am, but I just want to help.
That moment, I offered her a SELFLESS deal I figured she couldnt refuse.I offered her one full 8 hour day of picking up hoarse shit, cleaning the stables, and doing whatever other barn yard chores needed to be done with Gregers, and Adi, in trade JUST TO BE with the hoarses and volunteer my day to helping total strangers do probbaly one of the dirtiest, shittiest, jobs there was.( pun intended)
She gave me a stare that I hadnt got in a long time, she asked, why do you really want to do this, is this what they do in Canada? NOBODY here in Germany works for free, you really are crazy ?
Long story short – she says , ok come back on Monday, I will talk to my husband about this and he will want to meet you.
( following Monday ) A very large burley man walks down to greet me in the courtyard..I was nervous, but truley believed in myself, and my intentions .. He walks up to me, shakes my hand, looks me up and down and back down and up again, nodds, waves me off and says – stay away from behind the hoarses.
I was so super stoked and was lead to a room and handed a broom.My day began sweeeping mucky walk ways, then Greggers comes over and hands me a pooper scooper and a mini rake. Off we went for hours to pick up hoarse shit in the pouring rain –
THIS was the MOMENT – I had never felt this feeling before, this total selfless feeling of doing something good, no matter how shitty the job, it wasnt for money, it wasnt for fame, it wasnt for anything other than just wanting to help and being in the moment. ( ok sure I wanted to pet the hoarses too ) winks
When I left that day, the Chefs wife Crystal asked me how was my day?
I smiled ear to ear, and told her I had never felt SO ALIVE – and promised i’d be back everyday for 2 hours per day.
At the end of that week, the Chef invited me up into his home to have lunch with his family. fresh wild bore sausages and potatoes (OMG DELISH)
Over the next month at the Beinhard Hofgut Ranch, I had met many new friends. My heart started to actually feel again as I found an amazing spiritual, deep loving connection with many hoarses.Connecting with the people and these beautful animals really helped me learn how to stay present within self and it had taught me how to stay balanced and just live in the moment.
Out in that psture, with each scoop of shit, each time my back ached, each time my feet were wet, I just wanted to walk away, I pushed myself and reminded myself how HOW SHIITY LIFE REALLY WAS for me only weeks before.
As of today, and everyday since that day of pulling over on the highway, I have a sworn oath to self to helping someone at least 1 hour a day, 7 days a week, NO EXCUSES- Selflessly ( but selfishly) as part of my daily routine – what we put out into the universe – always comes back to us as long as it’s NOT MONEY driven.
We can’t buy health,
We can’t buy happiness,
We can’t buy spirituality,
We can’t buy or cure mental wellness .
IT’S GIVEN TO US – WHEN WE GIVE IT AWAY –