One year ago, I had my last rail of meth and melted the last boulder of rock in my glass stem, after robbing a few drug dealers down on E Hastings, shit went sideways in a alleyway… the end was near.
I found myself standing on the Lions Gate Bridge, ready to just end the FKING thoughts of depression, hunger, helplessness, stress, paranoia.
No more wondering why me, why these thoughts, why do I always make these FKed up decisions… where am I going in life, why am I always broke, no more scraping the pipe, brillow is old, no more searching for that rock you know you dropped earlier … why is it that all night I have so many friends, so many chicks but only hours later I find myself peeking out the blinds as if someone is watching…all alone , nobody hears me ..my thoughts are cold, the sun comes up , but yet its still so dark…..
Not sure how many people are reading this but if you have experienced these brutal nights , mornings …YOU’RE NOT ALONE .
I have been there many times in my life – 15 yrs working for street gangs, and organized crime families, in and out of prisons, prostitution etc …even thought I changed my life to become a medic, Blackcomb ski patroller and a Whistler Fireman ..I had NO IDEA I was still an addict.
It’s not just a change of careers …years later i fell again after the Olympic accident.. .i thought being sober meant i was NOT a addcit anymore…WRONG , I was born a addict and I will die a addict.
ITS SIMPLY – WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE ADDICTED TO TODAY ,
We can not ever change the past , and tomorrow is not here yet , so ENJOY today, help others and choose to be addicted to life, health and set some positive goals…us ADDICTS are unstoppable ..we will climb the highest mountains, stomp the sickest tricks and dig deeper than most of the sheep that graze in the fields.
Addiction is not a illness nor anything to be ashamed of..
Be proud of being a addict , and humbly admit to yourself who you are and focus those energies towards the positive and amazing things will happen.
I have over 40 yrs of bad decisions..and not once did i ever take a minute to learn more of why I made all the FKed up decisions in my life..i thought it was just me and i liked the escape drugs gave me –
We use to heal…we use to numb feelings from childhood or stress in our lives…use a new drug today …LOVE ..RESPECT …and SELF WORTH is drug enough..try it ..ONE DAY at a time and when you now get to KNOW YOURSELF , YOU CAN BE YOURSELF , and finally LOVE YOURSELF …
You may think right now , ahhh that guys fked…im not like him..i have it under control ..I only use on weekends and i only use a little , or ..i don’t use drugs ..i only drink ..ok …well i assure you one thing …these are all the same excuses i used when i was 15 – till i was 43 with a rifle down my throat only last year .
To date …i have heard every excuse known to man kind from all my old friends over 40 years…and to date…they are all buried, some not even found, , they had families..they had kids, they had beautiful girlfriends, they were the bar stars, they were professionals, they worked at coffee shops.
I’ve lived in every ghetto from LA- NYC- Miami FL – Chicago , .incarcerated many years …and trust me ..where you are today and the thought process is EXACTLY the beginning.
Please don’t fool yourself and think..it wont happen to me, that’s not me ..I’m simply saying that every alleyway , every homeless man , every gangster, prostitute and dealer i know all said the same things at SOME POINT in their life …we ..you ..are not invisible and only takes ONE SECOND to end up there ,,you have what it takes to survive the streets ? no
I am not special ..i live today knowing i can end up back there tomorrow so TODAY i choose to do my best no matter what anybody says or thinks about me cause at the end of teh day …at the end of your bag..at the end of your rope…its only you that will be standing there.
I’m just a farmer..planting seeds today ..I must go now to the Sallburg Castle here in Germany where i am finishing my book.If this message just reaches one person out there in Whistler who is feeling alone , or helpless or can relate ..i want that person to go to my website and see what us ADDICTS are capable of when we set our ego aside and admit who we are ..and use this as a power..a strength …and be proud of what small changes you can do for yourself today ..get some sleep and when you wake …enjoy TODAY , not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow …this life is a gift from the universe above ..not a life sentence to the darkness.