Helping Heals - selfless

SELFLESS – HELPING HEALS –

After dragging my sorry ass through the darkest of days, and sleepless nights, I had looked in the mirror at a broken man, dehydated, 30 pounds under weight, at a face only a bulldog momma could love – my heart sank to my toes, hands still shaking uncontrollably, legs weak, rotten teeth, totally ashamed, ambarrased and disgusted with myself.

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I had enough of looking, living and feeling this way, I was simply tired and exhausted of waiting for the tooth fairy to bring my soul back to life again.

I WANTED THIS FOR ME – nobody was going to do it for me BUT ME –

I needed to accept the past for the past, and look forward to where I want to go, believe in myself, my goals, my dreams and understand that theres NOTHING WRONG WITH ME other than living in a world totally controlled by broken systems, corrupt insurance companies, laws, and these silly little plastic devices that are quikly hyptotizing humans to become robots faster than we can click the sad face icon

Out the door I went, for my first few steps back into the real world, back into the war zone of todays society full of rules, and people who only weeks earlier judged me, belittled me, and wouldnt even look down at me as I reach up helpless , hungary, homless mind totally altared from copius amounts of Oxycotin I was consumming.

I headed towards the Peoples The Fitness Community , as I knew from years of experience that in order to be strong mentally, I needed to challenge myself daily, PHYSICALLY, and SPIRITUALLY.

Each day on my way to the studio, I passed a huge hoarse farm with 100’s of beautiful stallions, all happily grazing in their troughs, walking around NO CARE in the world, no stress, no worries, no matter the weather they all seemed quite happy just to be living in the moment.

I wanted this life also – my silly thoughts got to me, as I day dreamed of wishing I was just a hoarse, with no laws, no bills, nobody to judge me as I simply stand naked in a field ankle deep in mud, with the cold rain pouring down on my back carefree.Standing and connecting with other hoarses with a simple rub of our noses, and a huge exhale – ( insert hoarse exhale noise here )

I told myself, 1 day when I get a little stronger physcially, and mentally, I will have enough confidence to actually pull over and just be with these beautiful creatures, feed them a few apples and hope to pet one.

After about a week, I recall waking up and thinking to myself, that before I go to the gym today, I must stop at the grocery store and get some apples n carrots to feed the hoarses.

It was pouring rain like no other day, and all my usual excuses came to mind – ahh its raining, ahhh your gonna get all wet, do it tommorrow, or on the way back – – as I approcahed the farm , the rain really picked up and I knew there was no way today was the day – BUT – a little voice came into my head and said ENOUGH with the bullshit excuses, STOP NOW – so I immedialy pulled over.

There were 2 men out in the pouring rain picking up hoarse shit as I yelled them over. Greggers and Adi ( from Poland and Syria ) came over and looked at me like WTF do you want ?

I introduced myself to them and asked politly if i could come in the pasture with them to feed the hoarses.They said No , that I needed to go ask the CHEF for permission.

I explained to them that , NO no nooo , I want to feed the hoarses NOT EAT THEM. I assumed that they weren’t understanding english very well and I kinda smiled.My bad though cause they understood me just fine – Chef in German means the BOSS – THE CHIEF , not the cooking Chef I thought they were talking about .

So, tail between my legs , all ambarrased I set out on a mission to find the cook -I mean, the CHIEF.

An hour later a woman comes out asking if she could help me, I explained to her that I’m from Canada and I would really like to pet and be around the hoarses.I explained to her that I was in Germay to train for a upcomming PTSD awareness program that was to begin in Feb 2016.I told her how I was planning on flipping a 400 pound tractor tire , 1 km per day for 30 days across 7 mountians while wearing over 50 pounds of steel chains.

She looked at me like most do when I tell them that ( eyes wide open ) shes asked – are you ok – are you a lilttle bit crazy ?

I smiled and admitted humbly – ” yes, probably am, but I just want to help.

That moment, I offered her a SELFLESS deal I figured she couldnt refuse.I offered her one full 8 hour day of picking up hoarse shit, cleaning the stables, and doing whatever other barn yard chores needed to be done with Gregers, and Adi, in trade JUST TO BE with the hoarses and volunteer my day to helping total strangers do probbaly one of the dirtiest, shittiest, jobs there was.( pun intended)

She gave me a stare that I hadnt got in a long time, she asked, why do you really want to do this, is this what they do in Canada? NOBODY here in Germany works for free, you really are crazy ?

Long story short – she says , ok come back on Monday, I will talk to my husband about this and he will want to meet you.

( following Monday ) A very large burley man walks down to greet me in the courtyard..I was nervous, but truley believed in myself, and my intentions .. He walks up to me, shakes my hand, looks me up and down and back down and up again, nodds, waves me off and says – stay away from behind the hoarses.

I was so super stoked and was lead to a room and handed a broom.My day began sweeeping mucky walk ways, then Greggers comes over and hands me a pooper scooper and a mini rake. Off we went for hours to pick up hoarse shit in the pouring rain –

THIS was the MOMENT – I had never felt this feeling before, this total selfless feeling of doing something good, no matter how shitty the job, it wasnt for money, it wasnt for fame, it wasnt for anything other than just wanting to help and being in the moment. ( ok sure I wanted to pet the hoarses too ) winks

When I left that day, the Chefs wife Crystal asked me how was my day?

I smiled ear to ear, and told her I had never felt SO ALIVE – and promised i’d be back everyday for 2 hours per day.

At the end of that week, the Chef invited me up into his home to have lunch with his family. fresh wild bore sausages and potatoes (OMG DELISH)

Over the next month at the Beinhard Hofgut Ranch, I had met many new friends. My heart started to actually feel again as I found an amazing spiritual, deep loving connection with many hoarses.Connecting with the people and these beautful animals really helped me learn how to stay present within self and it had taught me how to stay balanced and just live in the moment.

Out in that psture, with each scoop of shit, each time my back ached, each time my feet were wet, I just wanted to walk away, I pushed myself and reminded myself how HOW SHIITY LIFE REALLY WAS for me only weeks before.

As of today, and everyday since that day of pulling over on the highway, I have a sworn oath to self to helping someone at least 1 hour a day, 7 days a week, NO EXCUSES- Selflessly ( but selfishly) as part of my daily routine – what we put out into the universe – always comes back to us as long as it’s NOT MONEY driven.

We can’t buy health,
We can’t buy happiness,
We can’t buy spirituality,
We can’t buy or cure mental wellness .

IT’S GIVEN TO US – WHEN WE GIVE IT AWAY –

TRUE Healthcare .. starts with SELFCARE

ARE YOU :
– feeling Mentally, Physically or Spritually HELPLESS ?
– battling with alcohol or substance abuse ?
– Depressed
– Stressed
– Anxious
– Restless
– Irritable
NO PROBLEM – we are only human , and YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Join us LIVE here on Facebook tommorrow ( Nov 14th) at 8:30 am PST.
WE WILL WORK TOGETHER, on getting our lives back under control, as we will begin down a new path to a healthier, happier, more stressfree life again one small step – one day at a time.
Bring an open mind, towel to sit on, a bottle water, download some spa music, and maybe even some metallica. ( winks )
8:30 am – Intro at Peoples The Fitness Community
8:45 am – breathing excersie / meditation
9:00 am – warm up body
9:05 am – easy to do at home excersies – full body
9:20 am – stretching – core – abs
9:30 – I will gladly communicate with you LIVE and answer any questions you may have – ( 15 minutes )

1-year-drug-free
We will do this daily – for next 30 days TOGETHER

FAMILY SUPPORT - every dark night - brings a new day.

As the dust settles, from the storm we leave behind us, years of burnt bridges with our co workers, friends, teammates, and family. However one kid, one warrior, THE ONE TRUEST CHAMPION I know, my cousin – Curtis Harriott never gave up on me, always believed in me, always supported me, never judged me and stood in my corner through it all.

I used to take him fishing when he was a kid, we used to go dirtbiking, and wakeboarding together all summer long, seeing who could stick the best trick, or nail a sick board slide.I felt that he looked up to me, those were the days long before the devil crept in and robbed myself of its soul.

After the Olympics, I felt so ashamed, so not worthy of being any sort of anybody to look up to – I felt weak, depressed, and disgusted with self for not being stronger in my mind – I was trying to survive, unknowingly with a Post Traumatic Stress Injury.

After loosing my careers, and having to check into many mental health facilities over the years, there was always one kid who never looked down on me , never thought any different of me, and was always in my corner regardless of learning about my dark past growing up – and regardless of the fact that I had become a night janitor scrubbing toilets, mopping floors and emptying womens tampon garbages stall after stall after stall for a living.

I felt even my own step sons friends, bros on my hockey team, other fireman would laugh at me and what I had become, from being a fireman / a medic / saveing lives to now a dirty mop bucket, rubber gloves and a cart filled with cleaning supplies. How ambarrassing and humiliating.But what else can a man do.who had just lost his career, as he wait for WCB to provide him the help he had paid into for so many years – to a insurance company who unlawfully in my opinion extorts your money off each check with promises of help if your ever injured on the job – total smoke and mirror show if you ask me from the biggest most crooked ass clowns in business today.

** FACT ** – WCB doesnt even, for one minute in ANY of their own safety training manuals teach us for one second anything about PTSD. It’s beyond me- well..actaully its clear to me now – we are just business to them and any bullshit excuse they can use NOT to help us heal is quite obvious. GREED $$

Curious – Why in Germany do they teach highschool kids about PTSD and yet, when I trained as a ski patroller, a fireman, and a medic for many years, class after class, practice after practice, and yet I was not made aware of this mental injury for one second.

Nothing about the signs and symptoms to pickup within self, or our co workers or even our patients.NOTHING

Curious – why will NO worksafe people ever contact me back about me volunteering my time to go speak at these 80 hour First Aid coarses?

When iw as in Detox last year – I met a guy who said his uncle is in a very high level of St. Johns Ambulance.I told him – ahh man , One day when I get well, i want to go talk at their entry level coarses about PTSD.

He says to me , they will never let me go talk at those classes.

I was like huh ? why not ?

He replies , because 1/2 of the people would get up and walk out of the classroom.

I looked at him and says – BOOOOM , then we JUST SAVED those peoples lives , their familes lives, and prevented many years of them suffering. ( to date – after many emails offeirng my time to speak at these coarses – nobody has returned my calls or emails )

Why , in Germnay, over the last 20 years has their not been ONE SINGLE first respoder die by suicide who had been dianosed with PTSD ..but in Canada we have over 100 die by suicide in the last 2 years ?? pick up a mop bucket and you’ll underdtand ..I did, and I get it now.

back to my post –

That feeling a grown man gets inside knowing, he has endured so much in his life , but yet it all boiled down to cleaning up dirty diapers in public changer rooms, and picking up the dead skin and other body scum from the drains 8 hours a day, as I spennt YEARS trying to prove I had a injury caused at work… just to feed my family – who was slowly giving up on me also – #DEPRESSION – #suicidal

Over the years, I watched Curtis grow to be a strong fighter, it felt to me the stronger he got, the weaker I was getting..each fight he won, I was so proud of him for accomplishing what I failed at , he was becoming everything I wanted to be one day – a true champion.

Everytime I was down and depressed on myself , I’d think about how this kid did it , how hard he trained, how dedicated he was, how focused and determined he was to one day win the belt, and be a professional fighter.

Everytime I hit the gym , I wanted to be like Curt, I wanted to succeed, I focused on climbing to the top also one day..but with a injury in my mind – I only found myself failing , falling flat on my face over and over.

No matter how times I checked myself in, no matter how many times I didnt show up to go wakeboarding or dirtbiking anymore- he always believed in me.

I recall years ago, asking him – “hey Curt” , ya think one day I can walk you to the cage , as part of your team ? he said yeah- one day forsure.

I held onto that dream each and every fight I went to – each time he won he got closer to fighting for the world champion title – I never missed a fight ( ok i missed one ) I was sooo inspired by who he was growing up to be.I had only day dreamt that I had that drive- that spirt – that passion to becoming the worlds best.

Year after year – fight after fight, finally that day came when the promoter from Battlefield Fight League and Curtis worked it out so that I could be RINGSIDE with him as be battled for the BELT.

( see vidieo)

2 years ago – set all the bullshit aside, after all my family, my friends, my everything was gone – I checked myself into detox for the final time ( so i thought )- and who was the one kid who called me to come visit and still be in my corner at my darkest moment ? ,,thats right – THE CHAMP – Curtis Harriott

Each day I sat in that hell hole, each minute I went throu my withdrawls, each time I wanted to give up and surrender, I thought about eveything Curtis lives for – how humble he is, how strong he is and how dedicated he is to be the best , most badass champ that ever enter the ring.

He taught me alot more about self than I ever knew, he taught me how important it is to never give up on family or our dreams and goals, he taught me how to set my ego aside and believe in SELF.

Curt just messaged me yesterday and informed me of his fight on the weekend – yet another signature win by BODY SLAM KNOCK OUT, in the 1st round

I am sorry I missed this fight Curtis, and im sorry I was not there to support you this time brother – please know in your heart and journey in this life that you have inspired me most to do everything I live for today – respect

Bet your belt . i’ll be at the next fight brother

You ARE THE MFK’in C H A M P !!!

NEVER SURRENDER !!

Let the Games Begin - Terrance Joseph Kosikar - Final Chapter

* OUR WORK IS DONE .. GOODBYE CANADA ** ( sad face )
Now boarding flight LH937 back to Germany, to finish writing the final Chapter of my book ..“Let the Games Begin”.
Nearly 2 years ago, I recall sitting under my gazebo a broken man, not a penny to my name, I had lost everything, my family, my friends, my career, my sanity, as I had just climbed down off the Lions Gate bridge from my 3rd and final attempt at trying to end my life only days earlier.

I looked up into the universe for my strength, as it was obvious to me that I still had work to do on this earth as a human, ending my life was NOT an option any longer.
Time to get my ass in gear, and take the many, many years of trying to survive (uneducated) with a wound that was not visible #PTSD, but yet quite vivid in my every day life, my mind, my shattered spirit, my every heartbeat bled nothing but nervousness, stress, depression, anxiety and a deeper depth of darkness than words will ever describe.
It had taken a few weeks, and a lot of hard work to battle though my usual, ever so easy to escape, self medication tool – drugs, and its brutal withdrawals to realize, that it was simply my environment that kept me from getting better and getting the help that I needed not only from within – from from a much higher power.
I sat one morning after my meditation as it dawned on me that , maybe I should write a book , and the answers to my destiny will soon fall into place?
Was I prepared to have a very large X on my back for the rest of my life for writing this book?
Absolutely was, after 3 suicide attempts, I had nothing more to loose and felt in my heart that all I had endured had to be shared to help myself heal and help those who may also be trying to survive the same life I had led for so long shackled in chains, and waking each day to the same nightmare, the same vicious cycle that often leads us to the end of our ropes or even worse, self tourcher consuming all the meds and street drugs self medicating our wounds – numbing our minds – further separating our spirit from ourselves.
I had called a publishing company 2 years ago asking for a grant to write my book.
They said to me, I needed to give them my first chapter, middle chapter and my final chapter edited and book ready and they would consider giving me a grant..
I banged out my first chapter, middle chapter and got to the final chapter and thought, when I do release this book , and maybe end up shot one day because of it, is this how I want my book or the movie to end…with only a simple story of how I escaped the grasps of evil, a life riddled with addiction, heartache, and loss, as I ran off into the mountains and got my life back, naturally ?
I asked myself , if I had went to watch this movie or read this book i’d want my dam money back , how lame , after all that I had endured in life, THIS IS HOW IT ENDS ..this is my final chapter?
So, I slammed the pages down, stood up strong, proud, and looked up into the universe, thankful, grateful for my life today , and said to myself, I have a opportunity today to make the BEST DAM final chapter to my own book, I am in control of my destiny, I have a gift of life today that is not governed by laws, rules, or judgements from anybody.
I AM FREE, and strong today, as are YOU, to do what I, or we wish to do with our lives and to live my own dream, to chase my own goals, to do as I wish today for ME, and the desire to simply help, and educate as many people as possible who may still be suffering in silence, and the selfless need to connect with those people and offer support, love, compassion, along with healthy natural tools that we can all use to heal, and enjoy our life today one day at a time.
The training began, and all my dreams and goals went straight onto the pages, I had found my purpose – something to drive for, the need to help others get their lives back the same way I did, Naturally, but how was I going to do this ?
I had not a penny to my name, and had no idea how to use the internet, my tires on jeep were bald as, and I was 100’s of kms away from people, without food, no heat, but I did have a dream and I focused on it.
I could NOT change yesterday, and tomorrow wasn’t here yet, so I had no choice but to LIVE IN THE NOW – Lebe das Jetzt !
Now, 2 years later I’m off to #Germany, to spend the next few months, excited to be writing the final chapter many dreams and goals that I never thought were possible, until I just set both feet firmly onto the ground, believed in myself, and took one small step after the other, never allowing anything to get in the way – NOTHING
I assure you, after these past 2 years, of just reaching out, asking for help, admitting and accepting to myself for me and turing all of my downfalls into strengths, and forgive those who I feel may have done me wrong over time, have learned one thing for sure…this is NOT THE FINAL CHAPTER , but rather only just the beginning, and have really learned that , there is a lot more support from so many people out there – we just have to be #humble, set our #ego aside, let our guard down and ask for it.
BE REAL WITH YOURSELF, AND TO THOSE WHO YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH.
IT’S NOT WEAK to SPEAK #itsnotweaktospeak
Without the genuine support, and #compassion from so many, (YOU) I’d still be sitting in the middle of the backcountry mountains with NOTHING.
You have a dream, and a goal also .. I know you do, we all do -THEN GO FOR IT – #NO #EXCUSES – anything is possible as long we can be stronger than our worst enemy – our minds – drive with your heart and soul and you will never be defeated.
The secret = $0.00
Connect truly with others from your heart,
#Believe in yourself.. and #LOVE YOURSELF
Thank you, to all of you, who have believed in me, and have helped support my dreams and goals, none of this would be possible without YOU –
Be sure to join us this Feb 12, 2017, as we are declaring it now .. NATIONAL PTSD AWARENESS DAY, Because we can, and JUST DID !!
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website www.breakingthechainsbc.com
facebook Terrance Joseph Kosikar