FAMILY SUPPORT - every dark night - brings a new day.

As the dust settles, from the storm we leave behind us, years of burnt bridges with our co workers, friends, teammates, and family. However one kid, one warrior, THE ONE TRUEST CHAMPION I know, my cousin – Curtis Harriott never gave up on me, always believed in me, always supported me, never judged me and stood in my corner through it all.

I used to take him fishing when he was a kid, we used to go dirtbiking, and wakeboarding together all summer long, seeing who could stick the best trick, or nail a sick board slide.I felt that he looked up to me, those were the days long before the devil crept in and robbed myself of its soul.

After the Olympics, I felt so ashamed, so not worthy of being any sort of anybody to look up to – I felt weak, depressed, and disgusted with self for not being stronger in my mind – I was trying to survive, unknowingly with a Post Traumatic Stress Injury.

After loosing my careers, and having to check into many mental health facilities over the years, there was always one kid who never looked down on me , never thought any different of me, and was always in my corner regardless of learning about my dark past growing up – and regardless of the fact that I had become a night janitor scrubbing toilets, mopping floors and emptying womens tampon garbages stall after stall after stall for a living.

I felt even my own step sons friends, bros on my hockey team, other fireman would laugh at me and what I had become, from being a fireman / a medic / saveing lives to now a dirty mop bucket, rubber gloves and a cart filled with cleaning supplies. How ambarrassing and humiliating.But what else can a man do.who had just lost his career, as he wait for WCB to provide him the help he had paid into for so many years – to a insurance company who unlawfully in my opinion extorts your money off each check with promises of help if your ever injured on the job – total smoke and mirror show if you ask me from the biggest most crooked ass clowns in business today.

** FACT ** – WCB doesnt even, for one minute in ANY of their own safety training manuals teach us for one second anything about PTSD. It’s beyond me- well..actaully its clear to me now – we are just business to them and any bullshit excuse they can use NOT to help us heal is quite obvious. GREED $$

Curious – Why in Germany do they teach highschool kids about PTSD and yet, when I trained as a ski patroller, a fireman, and a medic for many years, class after class, practice after practice, and yet I was not made aware of this mental injury for one second.

Nothing about the signs and symptoms to pickup within self, or our co workers or even our patients.NOTHING

Curious – why will NO worksafe people ever contact me back about me volunteering my time to go speak at these 80 hour First Aid coarses?

When iw as in Detox last year – I met a guy who said his uncle is in a very high level of St. Johns Ambulance.I told him – ahh man , One day when I get well, i want to go talk at their entry level coarses about PTSD.

He says to me , they will never let me go talk at those classes.

I was like huh ? why not ?

He replies , because 1/2 of the people would get up and walk out of the classroom.

I looked at him and says – BOOOOM , then we JUST SAVED those peoples lives , their familes lives, and prevented many years of them suffering. ( to date – after many emails offeirng my time to speak at these coarses – nobody has returned my calls or emails )

Why , in Germnay, over the last 20 years has their not been ONE SINGLE first respoder die by suicide who had been dianosed with PTSD ..but in Canada we have over 100 die by suicide in the last 2 years ?? pick up a mop bucket and you’ll underdtand ..I did, and I get it now.

back to my post –

That feeling a grown man gets inside knowing, he has endured so much in his life , but yet it all boiled down to cleaning up dirty diapers in public changer rooms, and picking up the dead skin and other body scum from the drains 8 hours a day, as I spennt YEARS trying to prove I had a injury caused at work… just to feed my family – who was slowly giving up on me also – #DEPRESSION – #suicidal

Over the years, I watched Curtis grow to be a strong fighter, it felt to me the stronger he got, the weaker I was getting..each fight he won, I was so proud of him for accomplishing what I failed at , he was becoming everything I wanted to be one day – a true champion.

Everytime I was down and depressed on myself , I’d think about how this kid did it , how hard he trained, how dedicated he was, how focused and determined he was to one day win the belt, and be a professional fighter.

Everytime I hit the gym , I wanted to be like Curt, I wanted to succeed, I focused on climbing to the top also one day..but with a injury in my mind – I only found myself failing , falling flat on my face over and over.

No matter how times I checked myself in, no matter how many times I didnt show up to go wakeboarding or dirtbiking anymore- he always believed in me.

I recall years ago, asking him – “hey Curt” , ya think one day I can walk you to the cage , as part of your team ? he said yeah- one day forsure.

I held onto that dream each and every fight I went to – each time he won he got closer to fighting for the world champion title – I never missed a fight ( ok i missed one ) I was sooo inspired by who he was growing up to be.I had only day dreamt that I had that drive- that spirt – that passion to becoming the worlds best.

Year after year – fight after fight, finally that day came when the promoter from Battlefield Fight League and Curtis worked it out so that I could be RINGSIDE with him as be battled for the BELT.

( see vidieo)

2 years ago – set all the bullshit aside, after all my family, my friends, my everything was gone – I checked myself into detox for the final time ( so i thought )- and who was the one kid who called me to come visit and still be in my corner at my darkest moment ? ,,thats right – THE CHAMP – Curtis Harriott

Each day I sat in that hell hole, each minute I went throu my withdrawls, each time I wanted to give up and surrender, I thought about eveything Curtis lives for – how humble he is, how strong he is and how dedicated he is to be the best , most badass champ that ever enter the ring.

He taught me alot more about self than I ever knew, he taught me how important it is to never give up on family or our dreams and goals, he taught me how to set my ego aside and believe in SELF.

Curt just messaged me yesterday and informed me of his fight on the weekend – yet another signature win by BODY SLAM KNOCK OUT, in the 1st round

I am sorry I missed this fight Curtis, and im sorry I was not there to support you this time brother – please know in your heart and journey in this life that you have inspired me most to do everything I live for today – respect

Bet your belt . i’ll be at the next fight brother

You ARE THE MFK’in C H A M P !!!

NEVER SURRENDER !!

Let the Games Begin - Terrance Joseph Kosikar - Final Chapter

* OUR WORK IS DONE .. GOODBYE CANADA ** ( sad face )
Now boarding flight LH937 back to Germany, to finish writing the final Chapter of my book ..“Let the Games Begin”.
Nearly 2 years ago, I recall sitting under my gazebo a broken man, not a penny to my name, I had lost everything, my family, my friends, my career, my sanity, as I had just climbed down off the Lions Gate bridge from my 3rd and final attempt at trying to end my life only days earlier.

I looked up into the universe for my strength, as it was obvious to me that I still had work to do on this earth as a human, ending my life was NOT an option any longer.
Time to get my ass in gear, and take the many, many years of trying to survive (uneducated) with a wound that was not visible #PTSD, but yet quite vivid in my every day life, my mind, my shattered spirit, my every heartbeat bled nothing but nervousness, stress, depression, anxiety and a deeper depth of darkness than words will ever describe.
It had taken a few weeks, and a lot of hard work to battle though my usual, ever so easy to escape, self medication tool – drugs, and its brutal withdrawals to realize, that it was simply my environment that kept me from getting better and getting the help that I needed not only from within – from from a much higher power.
I sat one morning after my meditation as it dawned on me that , maybe I should write a book , and the answers to my destiny will soon fall into place?
Was I prepared to have a very large X on my back for the rest of my life for writing this book?
Absolutely was, after 3 suicide attempts, I had nothing more to loose and felt in my heart that all I had endured had to be shared to help myself heal and help those who may also be trying to survive the same life I had led for so long shackled in chains, and waking each day to the same nightmare, the same vicious cycle that often leads us to the end of our ropes or even worse, self tourcher consuming all the meds and street drugs self medicating our wounds – numbing our minds – further separating our spirit from ourselves.
I had called a publishing company 2 years ago asking for a grant to write my book.
They said to me, I needed to give them my first chapter, middle chapter and my final chapter edited and book ready and they would consider giving me a grant..
I banged out my first chapter, middle chapter and got to the final chapter and thought, when I do release this book , and maybe end up shot one day because of it, is this how I want my book or the movie to end…with only a simple story of how I escaped the grasps of evil, a life riddled with addiction, heartache, and loss, as I ran off into the mountains and got my life back, naturally ?
I asked myself , if I had went to watch this movie or read this book i’d want my dam money back , how lame , after all that I had endured in life, THIS IS HOW IT ENDS ..this is my final chapter?
So, I slammed the pages down, stood up strong, proud, and looked up into the universe, thankful, grateful for my life today , and said to myself, I have a opportunity today to make the BEST DAM final chapter to my own book, I am in control of my destiny, I have a gift of life today that is not governed by laws, rules, or judgements from anybody.
I AM FREE, and strong today, as are YOU, to do what I, or we wish to do with our lives and to live my own dream, to chase my own goals, to do as I wish today for ME, and the desire to simply help, and educate as many people as possible who may still be suffering in silence, and the selfless need to connect with those people and offer support, love, compassion, along with healthy natural tools that we can all use to heal, and enjoy our life today one day at a time.
The training began, and all my dreams and goals went straight onto the pages, I had found my purpose – something to drive for, the need to help others get their lives back the same way I did, Naturally, but how was I going to do this ?
I had not a penny to my name, and had no idea how to use the internet, my tires on jeep were bald as, and I was 100’s of kms away from people, without food, no heat, but I did have a dream and I focused on it.
I could NOT change yesterday, and tomorrow wasn’t here yet, so I had no choice but to LIVE IN THE NOW – Lebe das Jetzt !
Now, 2 years later I’m off to #Germany, to spend the next few months, excited to be writing the final chapter many dreams and goals that I never thought were possible, until I just set both feet firmly onto the ground, believed in myself, and took one small step after the other, never allowing anything to get in the way – NOTHING
I assure you, after these past 2 years, of just reaching out, asking for help, admitting and accepting to myself for me and turing all of my downfalls into strengths, and forgive those who I feel may have done me wrong over time, have learned one thing for sure…this is NOT THE FINAL CHAPTER , but rather only just the beginning, and have really learned that , there is a lot more support from so many people out there – we just have to be #humble, set our #ego aside, let our guard down and ask for it.
BE REAL WITH YOURSELF, AND TO THOSE WHO YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH.
IT’S NOT WEAK to SPEAK #itsnotweaktospeak
Without the genuine support, and #compassion from so many, (YOU) I’d still be sitting in the middle of the backcountry mountains with NOTHING.
You have a dream, and a goal also .. I know you do, we all do -THEN GO FOR IT – #NO #EXCUSES – anything is possible as long we can be stronger than our worst enemy – our minds – drive with your heart and soul and you will never be defeated.
The secret = $0.00
Connect truly with others from your heart,
#Believe in yourself.. and #LOVE YOURSELF
Thank you, to all of you, who have believed in me, and have helped support my dreams and goals, none of this would be possible without YOU –
Be sure to join us this Feb 12, 2017, as we are declaring it now .. NATIONAL PTSD AWARENESS DAY, Because we can, and JUST DID !!
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