I was diagnosed HIV POSITIVE = sentenced to die .
XXX – WARNING – this video contains partial nudity, Hot Sexy Man Meat, Drag Queens, Transvestites, Leather, Lace, Panties, Bare Bums, Super models, strap on toy, bondage / fetish gear.
Back in 1994, I had already spent many years working in the Adult Entertainment business, as an escort, film star, stripper, boy – toy.

I had just moved into a new sugar mamas penthouse suite down in South Beach Miami FL, after being kicked out of my last sugar daddies house for sleeping with the bank teller while he was in S Africa on business.
That’s a whole different part of my life that, Im not gonna bore you with right now, it gets alot more crazy than anything I need to get into right now .
So Ill keep it simple here on facebook and leave out all the details and try n make a very long story short.
My new Sugar Mamma Pam, owned many labratories in usa, in fact , one of her labs was the first one to have found a drug that would keep Aids patients off their death bed.This was only a treatment , not a cure.
Anyhow, she knew I had been hustling for many years in the streets of LA, New York and Chicago since age 16.
She suggested that I go get an HIV test done.
I knew nothing about about HIV or AIDS other than, that in those days , it was a death sentence.I was too young and stoopid to even worry about it, as I tried to survive a carefree life, roaming city to city, bathhouse to bathouse, movie set to movie set, stage to stage, and more dirty nasty bathroom stall encounters than most even take in a lifetime.
Those days, were days of being on one stage in one city for 10 000 men at a gay pride event, to hustling at the gaiety theater the next, and then only hours later, jacked up on more meth and cocaine and poppers with creepy ol bathhouse trolls or after hours parties …makes me sick to even think about all that now , but , I am who I am today because of all my lifes lessons , and I cant change the past, and as I suggest to most, I look at it all as a gifted learning experience.Life lessons that just aren’t taught in school thats forsure.
I used to be so ashamed and humiliated at what I had got myself into over all those years, especially when I got my test results back from a doctor at the Mt Sinai Hospital in Miami FL.
I’ll never forget that feeling of , Im going to die, and this is for real.
I asked the doctor to do a re test , their must be a mistake.he said to me, there is no mistake, thats why they take 7 viles of blood , so there are NO MISTAKES.
I can still see the wall of the elevator that day as vivid as if I was in it just yesterday, I didn’t even press the down button, I just leaned my 21 year old head against the door and cried ..and cried,,and cried.
1998, I was sitting in a Super Max Federal Prison, down in Atlanta Georgia, locked up 23 hours a day, when I said to myself, I really need a life style change.I had just got sentanced to 5 years for V.G.S.C.A – 2 felony counts of possession of cocaine.
That was when I started day dreaming of actually turning my life around and doing something my family would be proud of me for one day.Maybe a Policeman, maybe search and Rescue, ohh wait , maybe even a Fireman??
I sat staring at my walls in my cell, day after day after day, as the minutes seemed to stand still, trying to block out the sounds of grown men completely loosing their minds, I’ll tell ya first hand,from experience, solitary confinment will break even the most hardest of badass criminals.
And if the solitary confinement doesnt break you , try surviving as a white boy is a prison that is 80 % black, and 18 % mexican, 2 % white.
Feel free at any point in this story to insert the word Post Traumatic STRESS.
Upon being deported back to Canada, in 2000 , I had made a vow while in Prison to devote my time to helping raise awareness to HIV / AIDS and even day dreamt of one day being able to go to detention centers and try and talk sense too and work with Youth at Risk.
This story upon being released from Prison is about 3 books worth, so i’ll sum this part up like this.
Only 6 months after being released, I found my self on s stage, in front of over 7000 people, volunteering my time to Fashion Cares .
This show was called “Garden of Evil “.
Fashion Cares puts on a annual fundraiser every year since 1987 by Mac cosmetics, and all proceeds are donated to the Elton John Aids Foundation, and ACT – ( Aids Commitee of Toronto )
We rhelped raise over $ 1 million dollars that night.
That night was pretty badass.That feeling of freedom again , and to walk down a stage for so many thousands of people, who were their to support this event, was certainly a better view than my urine, booger, and feces covered cell walls.
I had got to meet so many of the worlds top fashion designers, super models and countless musicians.
I had brought my own videogragher ( Pozi ) as I always do to all my silly lifes adventures, and in this video , I appoligize for the crap quality, but we didnt have digital back then and to transfer the content from mini dv – to computer – to go pro – to you , was not easy, but ya go , December 1st – 2001.
Today is Dec 1st, and it is a date that will forever need awareness brought to .I have lost many many friends due to this deadly virus, and in my book comming out this Feb 12th , you will get the full story of how this virus came back to haunt me in Whistler just 2 years ago.
Thank you for your time you took to read this , and sharing with your friends.
Y anever know who will get this and think , hmmm maybe I should go get tested today, believe me, you may save many lives by doing so .
Oh – ummm to an old Hunny Bee friend of mine out their who may be reading this , I GOT YOU – SSSSSheaven 777 – BOOO

Helping Heals - selfless


After dragging my sorry ass through the darkest of days, and sleepless nights, I had looked in the mirror at a broken man, dehydated, 30 pounds under weight, at a face only a bulldog momma could love – my heart sank to my toes, hands still shaking uncontrollably, legs weak, rotten teeth, totally ashamed, ambarrased and disgusted with myself.


I had enough of looking, living and feeling this way, I was simply tired and exhausted of waiting for the tooth fairy to bring my soul back to life again.

I WANTED THIS FOR ME – nobody was going to do it for me BUT ME –

I needed to accept the past for the past, and look forward to where I want to go, believe in myself, my goals, my dreams and understand that theres NOTHING WRONG WITH ME other than living in a world totally controlled by broken systems, corrupt insurance companies, laws, and these silly little plastic devices that are quikly hyptotizing humans to become robots faster than we can click the sad face icon

Out the door I went, for my first few steps back into the real world, back into the war zone of todays society full of rules, and people who only weeks earlier judged me, belittled me, and wouldnt even look down at me as I reach up helpless , hungary, homless mind totally altared from copius amounts of Oxycotin I was consumming.

I headed towards the Peoples The Fitness Community , as I knew from years of experience that in order to be strong mentally, I needed to challenge myself daily, PHYSICALLY, and SPIRITUALLY.

Each day on my way to the studio, I passed a huge hoarse farm with 100’s of beautiful stallions, all happily grazing in their troughs, walking around NO CARE in the world, no stress, no worries, no matter the weather they all seemed quite happy just to be living in the moment.

I wanted this life also – my silly thoughts got to me, as I day dreamed of wishing I was just a hoarse, with no laws, no bills, nobody to judge me as I simply stand naked in a field ankle deep in mud, with the cold rain pouring down on my back carefree.Standing and connecting with other hoarses with a simple rub of our noses, and a huge exhale – ( insert hoarse exhale noise here )

I told myself, 1 day when I get a little stronger physcially, and mentally, I will have enough confidence to actually pull over and just be with these beautiful creatures, feed them a few apples and hope to pet one.

After about a week, I recall waking up and thinking to myself, that before I go to the gym today, I must stop at the grocery store and get some apples n carrots to feed the hoarses.

It was pouring rain like no other day, and all my usual excuses came to mind – ahh its raining, ahhh your gonna get all wet, do it tommorrow, or on the way back – – as I approcahed the farm , the rain really picked up and I knew there was no way today was the day – BUT – a little voice came into my head and said ENOUGH with the bullshit excuses, STOP NOW – so I immedialy pulled over.

There were 2 men out in the pouring rain picking up hoarse shit as I yelled them over. Greggers and Adi ( from Poland and Syria ) came over and looked at me like WTF do you want ?

I introduced myself to them and asked politly if i could come in the pasture with them to feed the hoarses.They said No , that I needed to go ask the CHEF for permission.

I explained to them that , NO no nooo , I want to feed the hoarses NOT EAT THEM. I assumed that they weren’t understanding english very well and I kinda smiled.My bad though cause they understood me just fine – Chef in German means the BOSS – THE CHIEF , not the cooking Chef I thought they were talking about .

So, tail between my legs , all ambarrased I set out on a mission to find the cook -I mean, the CHIEF.

An hour later a woman comes out asking if she could help me, I explained to her that I’m from Canada and I would really like to pet and be around the hoarses.I explained to her that I was in Germay to train for a upcomming PTSD awareness program that was to begin in Feb 2016.I told her how I was planning on flipping a 400 pound tractor tire , 1 km per day for 30 days across 7 mountians while wearing over 50 pounds of steel chains.

She looked at me like most do when I tell them that ( eyes wide open ) shes asked – are you ok – are you a lilttle bit crazy ?

I smiled and admitted humbly – ” yes, probably am, but I just want to help.

That moment, I offered her a SELFLESS deal I figured she couldnt refuse.I offered her one full 8 hour day of picking up hoarse shit, cleaning the stables, and doing whatever other barn yard chores needed to be done with Gregers, and Adi, in trade JUST TO BE with the hoarses and volunteer my day to helping total strangers do probbaly one of the dirtiest, shittiest, jobs there was.( pun intended)

She gave me a stare that I hadnt got in a long time, she asked, why do you really want to do this, is this what they do in Canada? NOBODY here in Germany works for free, you really are crazy ?

Long story short – she says , ok come back on Monday, I will talk to my husband about this and he will want to meet you.

( following Monday ) A very large burley man walks down to greet me in the courtyard..I was nervous, but truley believed in myself, and my intentions .. He walks up to me, shakes my hand, looks me up and down and back down and up again, nodds, waves me off and says – stay away from behind the hoarses.

I was so super stoked and was lead to a room and handed a broom.My day began sweeeping mucky walk ways, then Greggers comes over and hands me a pooper scooper and a mini rake. Off we went for hours to pick up hoarse shit in the pouring rain –

THIS was the MOMENT – I had never felt this feeling before, this total selfless feeling of doing something good, no matter how shitty the job, it wasnt for money, it wasnt for fame, it wasnt for anything other than just wanting to help and being in the moment. ( ok sure I wanted to pet the hoarses too ) winks

When I left that day, the Chefs wife Crystal asked me how was my day?

I smiled ear to ear, and told her I had never felt SO ALIVE – and promised i’d be back everyday for 2 hours per day.

At the end of that week, the Chef invited me up into his home to have lunch with his family. fresh wild bore sausages and potatoes (OMG DELISH)

Over the next month at the Beinhard Hofgut Ranch, I had met many new friends. My heart started to actually feel again as I found an amazing spiritual, deep loving connection with many hoarses.Connecting with the people and these beautful animals really helped me learn how to stay present within self and it had taught me how to stay balanced and just live in the moment.

Out in that psture, with each scoop of shit, each time my back ached, each time my feet were wet, I just wanted to walk away, I pushed myself and reminded myself how HOW SHIITY LIFE REALLY WAS for me only weeks before.

As of today, and everyday since that day of pulling over on the highway, I have a sworn oath to self to helping someone at least 1 hour a day, 7 days a week, NO EXCUSES- Selflessly ( but selfishly) as part of my daily routine – what we put out into the universe – always comes back to us as long as it’s NOT MONEY driven.

We can’t buy health,
We can’t buy happiness,
We can’t buy spirituality,
We can’t buy or cure mental wellness .


TRUE Healthcare .. starts with SELFCARE

– feeling Mentally, Physically or Spritually HELPLESS ?
– battling with alcohol or substance abuse ?
– Depressed
– Stressed
– Anxious
– Restless
– Irritable
NO PROBLEM – we are only human , and YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Join us LIVE here on Facebook tommorrow ( Nov 14th) at 8:30 am PST.
WE WILL WORK TOGETHER, on getting our lives back under control, as we will begin down a new path to a healthier, happier, more stressfree life again one small step – one day at a time.
Bring an open mind, towel to sit on, a bottle water, download some spa music, and maybe even some metallica. ( winks )
8:30 am – Intro at Peoples The Fitness Community
8:45 am – breathing excersie / meditation
9:00 am – warm up body
9:05 am – easy to do at home excersies – full body
9:20 am – stretching – core – abs
9:30 – I will gladly communicate with you LIVE and answer any questions you may have – ( 15 minutes )

We will do this daily – for next 30 days TOGETHER

FAMILY SUPPORT - every dark night - brings a new day.

As the dust settles, from the storm we leave behind us, years of burnt bridges with our co workers, friends, teammates, and family. However one kid, one warrior, THE ONE TRUEST CHAMPION I know, my cousin – Curtis Harriott never gave up on me, always believed in me, always supported me, never judged me and stood in my corner through it all.

I used to take him fishing when he was a kid, we used to go dirtbiking, and wakeboarding together all summer long, seeing who could stick the best trick, or nail a sick board slide.I felt that he looked up to me, those were the days long before the devil crept in and robbed myself of its soul.

After the Olympics, I felt so ashamed, so not worthy of being any sort of anybody to look up to – I felt weak, depressed, and disgusted with self for not being stronger in my mind – I was trying to survive, unknowingly with a Post Traumatic Stress Injury.

After loosing my careers, and having to check into many mental health facilities over the years, there was always one kid who never looked down on me , never thought any different of me, and was always in my corner regardless of learning about my dark past growing up – and regardless of the fact that I had become a night janitor scrubbing toilets, mopping floors and emptying womens tampon garbages stall after stall after stall for a living.

I felt even my own step sons friends, bros on my hockey team, other fireman would laugh at me and what I had become, from being a fireman / a medic / saveing lives to now a dirty mop bucket, rubber gloves and a cart filled with cleaning supplies. How ambarrassing and humiliating.But what else can a man do.who had just lost his career, as he wait for WCB to provide him the help he had paid into for so many years – to a insurance company who unlawfully in my opinion extorts your money off each check with promises of help if your ever injured on the job – total smoke and mirror show if you ask me from the biggest most crooked ass clowns in business today.

** FACT ** – WCB doesnt even, for one minute in ANY of their own safety training manuals teach us for one second anything about PTSD. It’s beyond me- well..actaully its clear to me now – we are just business to them and any bullshit excuse they can use NOT to help us heal is quite obvious. GREED $$

Curious – Why in Germany do they teach highschool kids about PTSD and yet, when I trained as a ski patroller, a fireman, and a medic for many years, class after class, practice after practice, and yet I was not made aware of this mental injury for one second.

Nothing about the signs and symptoms to pickup within self, or our co workers or even our patients.NOTHING

Curious – why will NO worksafe people ever contact me back about me volunteering my time to go speak at these 80 hour First Aid coarses?

When iw as in Detox last year – I met a guy who said his uncle is in a very high level of St. Johns Ambulance.I told him – ahh man , One day when I get well, i want to go talk at their entry level coarses about PTSD.

He says to me , they will never let me go talk at those classes.

I was like huh ? why not ?

He replies , because 1/2 of the people would get up and walk out of the classroom.

I looked at him and says – BOOOOM , then we JUST SAVED those peoples lives , their familes lives, and prevented many years of them suffering. ( to date – after many emails offeirng my time to speak at these coarses – nobody has returned my calls or emails )

Why , in Germnay, over the last 20 years has their not been ONE SINGLE first respoder die by suicide who had been dianosed with PTSD ..but in Canada we have over 100 die by suicide in the last 2 years ?? pick up a mop bucket and you’ll underdtand ..I did, and I get it now.

back to my post –

That feeling a grown man gets inside knowing, he has endured so much in his life , but yet it all boiled down to cleaning up dirty diapers in public changer rooms, and picking up the dead skin and other body scum from the drains 8 hours a day, as I spennt YEARS trying to prove I had a injury caused at work… just to feed my family – who was slowly giving up on me also – #DEPRESSION – #suicidal

Over the years, I watched Curtis grow to be a strong fighter, it felt to me the stronger he got, the weaker I was getting..each fight he won, I was so proud of him for accomplishing what I failed at , he was becoming everything I wanted to be one day – a true champion.

Everytime I was down and depressed on myself , I’d think about how this kid did it , how hard he trained, how dedicated he was, how focused and determined he was to one day win the belt, and be a professional fighter.

Everytime I hit the gym , I wanted to be like Curt, I wanted to succeed, I focused on climbing to the top also one day..but with a injury in my mind – I only found myself failing , falling flat on my face over and over.

No matter how times I checked myself in, no matter how many times I didnt show up to go wakeboarding or dirtbiking anymore- he always believed in me.

I recall years ago, asking him – “hey Curt” , ya think one day I can walk you to the cage , as part of your team ? he said yeah- one day forsure.

I held onto that dream each and every fight I went to – each time he won he got closer to fighting for the world champion title – I never missed a fight ( ok i missed one ) I was sooo inspired by who he was growing up to be.I had only day dreamt that I had that drive- that spirt – that passion to becoming the worlds best.

Year after year – fight after fight, finally that day came when the promoter from Battlefield Fight League and Curtis worked it out so that I could be RINGSIDE with him as be battled for the BELT.

( see vidieo)

2 years ago – set all the bullshit aside, after all my family, my friends, my everything was gone – I checked myself into detox for the final time ( so i thought )- and who was the one kid who called me to come visit and still be in my corner at my darkest moment ? ,,thats right – THE CHAMP – Curtis Harriott

Each day I sat in that hell hole, each minute I went throu my withdrawls, each time I wanted to give up and surrender, I thought about eveything Curtis lives for – how humble he is, how strong he is and how dedicated he is to be the best , most badass champ that ever enter the ring.

He taught me alot more about self than I ever knew, he taught me how important it is to never give up on family or our dreams and goals, he taught me how to set my ego aside and believe in SELF.

Curt just messaged me yesterday and informed me of his fight on the weekend – yet another signature win by BODY SLAM KNOCK OUT, in the 1st round

I am sorry I missed this fight Curtis, and im sorry I was not there to support you this time brother – please know in your heart and journey in this life that you have inspired me most to do everything I live for today – respect

Bet your belt . i’ll be at the next fight brother

You ARE THE MFK’in C H A M P !!!


Let the Games Begin - Terrance Joseph Kosikar - Final Chapter

* OUR WORK IS DONE .. GOODBYE CANADA ** ( sad face )
Now boarding flight LH937 back to Germany, to finish writing the final Chapter of my book ..“Let the Games Begin”.
Nearly 2 years ago, I recall sitting under my gazebo a broken man, not a penny to my name, I had lost everything, my family, my friends, my career, my sanity, as I had just climbed down off the Lions Gate bridge from my 3rd and final attempt at trying to end my life only days earlier.

I looked up into the universe for my strength, as it was obvious to me that I still had work to do on this earth as a human, ending my life was NOT an option any longer.
Time to get my ass in gear, and take the many, many years of trying to survive (uneducated) with a wound that was not visible #PTSD, but yet quite vivid in my every day life, my mind, my shattered spirit, my every heartbeat bled nothing but nervousness, stress, depression, anxiety and a deeper depth of darkness than words will ever describe.
It had taken a few weeks, and a lot of hard work to battle though my usual, ever so easy to escape, self medication tool – drugs, and its brutal withdrawals to realize, that it was simply my environment that kept me from getting better and getting the help that I needed not only from within – from from a much higher power.
I sat one morning after my meditation as it dawned on me that , maybe I should write a book , and the answers to my destiny will soon fall into place?
Was I prepared to have a very large X on my back for the rest of my life for writing this book?
Absolutely was, after 3 suicide attempts, I had nothing more to loose and felt in my heart that all I had endured had to be shared to help myself heal and help those who may also be trying to survive the same life I had led for so long shackled in chains, and waking each day to the same nightmare, the same vicious cycle that often leads us to the end of our ropes or even worse, self tourcher consuming all the meds and street drugs self medicating our wounds – numbing our minds – further separating our spirit from ourselves.
I had called a publishing company 2 years ago asking for a grant to write my book.
They said to me, I needed to give them my first chapter, middle chapter and my final chapter edited and book ready and they would consider giving me a grant..
I banged out my first chapter, middle chapter and got to the final chapter and thought, when I do release this book , and maybe end up shot one day because of it, is this how I want my book or the movie to end…with only a simple story of how I escaped the grasps of evil, a life riddled with addiction, heartache, and loss, as I ran off into the mountains and got my life back, naturally ?
I asked myself , if I had went to watch this movie or read this book i’d want my dam money back , how lame , after all that I had endured in life, THIS IS HOW IT ENDS ..this is my final chapter?
So, I slammed the pages down, stood up strong, proud, and looked up into the universe, thankful, grateful for my life today , and said to myself, I have a opportunity today to make the BEST DAM final chapter to my own book, I am in control of my destiny, I have a gift of life today that is not governed by laws, rules, or judgements from anybody.
I AM FREE, and strong today, as are YOU, to do what I, or we wish to do with our lives and to live my own dream, to chase my own goals, to do as I wish today for ME, and the desire to simply help, and educate as many people as possible who may still be suffering in silence, and the selfless need to connect with those people and offer support, love, compassion, along with healthy natural tools that we can all use to heal, and enjoy our life today one day at a time.
The training began, and all my dreams and goals went straight onto the pages, I had found my purpose – something to drive for, the need to help others get their lives back the same way I did, Naturally, but how was I going to do this ?
I had not a penny to my name, and had no idea how to use the internet, my tires on jeep were bald as, and I was 100’s of kms away from people, without food, no heat, but I did have a dream and I focused on it.
I could NOT change yesterday, and tomorrow wasn’t here yet, so I had no choice but to LIVE IN THE NOW – Lebe das Jetzt !
Now, 2 years later I’m off to #Germany, to spend the next few months, excited to be writing the final chapter many dreams and goals that I never thought were possible, until I just set both feet firmly onto the ground, believed in myself, and took one small step after the other, never allowing anything to get in the way – NOTHING
I assure you, after these past 2 years, of just reaching out, asking for help, admitting and accepting to myself for me and turing all of my downfalls into strengths, and forgive those who I feel may have done me wrong over time, have learned one thing for sure…this is NOT THE FINAL CHAPTER , but rather only just the beginning, and have really learned that , there is a lot more support from so many people out there – we just have to be #humble, set our #ego aside, let our guard down and ask for it.
IT’S NOT WEAK to SPEAK #itsnotweaktospeak
Without the genuine support, and #compassion from so many, (YOU) I’d still be sitting in the middle of the backcountry mountains with NOTHING.
You have a dream, and a goal also .. I know you do, we all do -THEN GO FOR IT – #NO #EXCUSES – anything is possible as long we can be stronger than our worst enemy – our minds – drive with your heart and soul and you will never be defeated.
The secret = $0.00
Connect truly with others from your heart,
#Believe in yourself.. and #LOVE YOURSELF
Thank you, to all of you, who have believed in me, and have helped support my dreams and goals, none of this would be possible without YOU –
Be sure to join us this Feb 12, 2017, as we are declaring it now .. NATIONAL PTSD AWARENESS DAY, Because we can, and JUST DID !!
instagram _breakingthechainsbc_
twitter @BreakingTCBC
facebook Terrance Joseph Kosikar

Terrance Talks LIVE tonight on facebook - TRUTH IS TOLD - life story - unedited

PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED -#ADULTSONLY – #RATEDR – #XXX- foul language – no #nudity – warning — *will cause triggers*
TRUTH IS .. I am ashamed, and disgusted with myself.
( looks down at the ground, grits teeth, and shakes my head )

BUT, after 30 long years, of wrong turns, dead ends, and bad decisions, thankfully they have all contributed to WHO I AM TODAY, and is exactly why I do what we are doing today to raise awareness to #PTSD / #MentalHealth / #Addiction / #Recovery.
A friend of mine strongly suggested that I do not do this “Terrance Talks” tonight LIVE on facebook at 7pm as he says I need to keep my posts POSITIVE on facebook.
Well… “THERE’S NOTHING POSITIVE”, about PTSD, Mental Illness, #stress, #depression, #suicide or #Addiction.
Last week I had received an email, from a new facebook Friend Kara Bentley.She had asked if I would be interested in coming to a women’s #RecoveryHouse in Richmond to share my #lifestory on Monday October 17th at 7 pm. ( LIVE on facebook tonight)
I’ll tell you one thing right now, I am unsure how “exactly” all of this ends up coming around full circle like this,( answer-higher power) but as it does, it gives me more confidence in understanding and knowing that all of our experiences in life, are all truly meant to happen, and certainly do so for a good reason and is simply the way our higher power has each of our destinies written for us.
We are not in control of this, its just the way it is.
It all happens because they are our lessons, our education needed to truly find ourselves, so we can just be ourselves, know ourselves and LOVE ourselves without judgement from others and live without the guilt, shame, stress , and depressing thoughts that we don’t always have the life that everyone else seems to have in the movies, magazines, television, or that happy happy life everyone seems to have on this UNSOCIAL media – disconnected
Even though most times we don’t understand or find ourselves often wondering, “WHY THE FUK is all this SH*T always end up happening to me”?
Why does it seem to be, that I AM the only one who must live with these thoughts, these feelings, this vicious cycle of battling from within the ” DEEPEST- DARKEST – DEPTHS – of the DEVILS belly?
Id rather die than wake up tomorrow to the same tourchure, tears, heartache, stress, guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety that these last years, days, and minutes have given me.
When will I just smile and enjoy the rain on my face instead of the feeling like I am shackled with chains, gaged at my throat, in this burning inferno, as nobody understands me nor can I even trust anyone to tell my thoughts or feelings to without them laughing, judging, or just kicking me to the curb without the weeks, months or even years of back stabbing and two faced bullSH*T drama?
Why must I always pretend to be, or dress or act like someone I am NOT, just to try and keep up with what society says I should be when I am nothing of the sort.
Why can’t I just be NORMAL – when will the doctors figure out the right balance of drugs to give me so I can just be happy, instead of facing this cold, harsh, depressing reality I seem to live with more often then anybody else?
I truly feel honoured that Kara Bentley says that my story inspires her, and feels that I would make a good guest speaker at her recovery house.
Only 2 years ago, I was homeless, and wanting to take my own life, and now somehow a small fish nobody like me, is someones inpriration?
Gift of recovery – #GRATEFUL !
I assure you that, that paths I’ve chosen in life, is not something you are probably prepared to hear about but ..its the truth, and its who I am, and perscily why I am doing what we are doing in life today to help others who are still suffering in silence.
Sorry Ma , time to just tell it how it is, TIME TO GET REAL / RAW , I’m no longer afraid.
Being an ADDICT does NOT MEAN for a minute that you have to be that guy or girl with a needle in your arm or a glass dick in your mouth.
Today, now that I have a better idea about addiction and have learned how to use my disease of addiction in my favour and be proud of being an addict, tonight I will share with you not just the reality of my entire life story, but also happily share with you some of the tools we can all use each day to help manage, and surpress the onset of the symptoms from taking us out at the knees and landing us into the hands of hell.
As I’ve said many times before, I am simply just an ol backcountry farmer, planting seeds.
My personal story is something I am certainly not proud of, and by telling it , will more than likely cause me to loose a few of our sponsors, a few of my friends and followers, and may even get shot or arrested after this talk.
But, like a good movie, book or even a massage, this story certainly has a HAPP-EH ENDING ..( haha )
You can help water the seeds I plant tomorrow, so together, we can connect as humans, grow, and help each other heal naturally.

WARRANTS FOR MY ARREST ? Tribal police flips tire to help raise awareness to PTSD

After hours of intense interrogation, by Constable Leonard Isaac, of the Tribal Police Stl’Atl’Imx, Mr.Terrance Joseph Kosikar refused to testify and is protected under s. 13 of the Charter from having any incriminating statements “used to incriminate himself in any proceedings against him at this time.

Kosikar says.
“It’s not very often you see many people where I live out here in the backcountry, so today was very odd to me when I heard the rumble of a truck creeping its way up the long road to my cabin.”
I got the binoculars out, and to my surprise, it was a Tribal Police Truck.
Kosikar admits
He immediately, ran inside the cabin and put all the guns away..grabbed his camera and started filming this unique situation.
Ya see , even when people get shot up here , or stabbed, its still very rare for the police to show up.
Do I have a warrant for my arrest ?
Maybe hash tagging FBI – Federal Bureau of Investigation , or BC RCMP wasn’t such a good idea in a lot of my recent posts ?
Sure enough, the truck pulled into my driveway, and sure was the P O L I C E
Relief came immediately, when the man said his name and I realized …wait a second …we’re Facebook Friends aren’t we ?
We talked for a few minutes in my driveway, and then invited Constable Leonard Isaac inside for a cup of matcha tea.
We stood on my deck for a few hours talking until the sun went down and learned many things about each others past and present.
Our conversation will forever be confidential, like it is with all my new facebook friends who reach out to me either through email, phone or in person, but I had one question for this man, why did he drive over 100 kilometres to my cabin to visit a small time, nobody like me ?
Constable Leonard Isaac, stated that he had been following Breaking the Chains BC on facebook for many months now after learning of our PTSD / Mental health Awareness program through one of our producers David Malysheff from Gamut Productions.
He had felt bad that he couldn’t take any time off this summer to join us in English Bay to help us flip our tire, so while he had just received 6 subpoena ‘s to give to people in our town, he thought he would stop in not only to meet me, but also get his hands on our tire to help raise awareness to PTSD and , even so much as invite me to ride along with him to deliver these court orders.
I tell ya one thing about this experience today..
First of all , I am honoured that this man drove over 100 kms to my cabin to meet me in person , and join me for tea and many hours of man to man conversation ..but this is where I learned something I never really understood and or felt until I sat in his police car as we drove around town .
It was the first time I had wished that I too was wearing a bullet proof vest, and had a gun on my hip.
In fact , as we parked at the first house to deliver the court order ..I seriously had asked him if he had an extra gun I could have in case shit went sideways.
I mean, we are easily over 100 kilometres from any back up and this man like most small town police , RIDE ALONE.
I have been in many situations in my life, but never one like this where i actually felt that my safety was seriously at a huge risk here
I can’t even believe this man, like many others in our country walk up to houses to either serve warrants, or even just respond to domestic calls or any other calls ALL ALONE ..with back up being HOURS away .
Every time he got out of his car to go knock on the door , I kept looking over my shoulder for someone to walk up and potentially shoot me in the side of the head .. or, I just kept looking up at the windows for someone maybe wanting to do the same to him …these people in the house have NO IDEA we are only serving court orders …what if these people inside are running game , or think we are there for a different reason and want go out guns a blazing …I sit n watch as he knocks on the doors and stands to the side …each person opens the door, he greets them with a smile , but not knowing who else is in the house or what THEY maybe thinking or feeling.
I can see why so many police officers are the way they are ..They have to be , especially in a world full of so many total loony toons.
I couldn’t even imagine doing this sort of job 12 hrs a day , most often 6 days a week …without dropping names ..I have spoke with many many police officers in the last 6 months and may of them …have NOT EVEN GOT more than 1 day off per week for over a year.
Really pisses me off when I see what the media only shows the people …the media is always showing how cops are beating or shooting someone by accident.
Why can’t the media show how over worked our Canadian Police officers are ?
Why do they only ever show the bad stuff ? why never the good stuff that 1000’s of Police officer do to risk their lives every minute they walk the street?
How would you feel if every person who walked by you at work, weather in your office or even at the coffee shop could potentially SHOOT YOU ??
How would we feel going to a job that , one minute your called to a suicicde, and while doing the paper work on that call, you end up going to a child rape call, and then showing up to a call where some goof just beat a woman black n blue to the point she can’t even say her own name , on top of being at the hospital and having a mentally ill patient grab objects and start beating you with them, and knowing you can’t do anything about it other than try and subdue this person and keep them in control after call after call after day .. and yet ..does anyone ever thank these police officer for their service ..or just EXPECT THEIR SERVICE when they need a cop ?
Why do we always see a cop and look the other way? When these are the HUMAN BEINGS who fight what we fear ?
We expect them to keep the drugs out of our children schools , we expect them to come running when their is a stranger peeking in your windows when you sleep , we expect them to hunt down the predators, we expect them to take bullets for us and have any of us actually looked up and thanked a police officer rather than worry about getting a ticket or is our seatbelt fastened or are we speeding?
Do we ever stop for a minute and take a look at all the bullshit crimes that go on every minute of every day .some people don’t even pull to the side of the road when they hear a siren, do we even think for a second that someone maybe be dying or is bleeding..and who do you think shows up to stop the bleed or secures a a crime scene or hunts down the murderer, rapist, drug / weapons dealer, or protects us against the criminals?
I spent many years when was younger committing these crimes the police respond too, and let me tell you first hand, most will never know or ever see what really goes on in the streets, in the jails, in the darkest of alleyways which even some of the most seasoned criminals wouldn’t event walk down on a good day.
Take a minute today – and if you see a cop , wave, smile , thank them for not only risking their lives to PROTECT us, but also be grateful we don’t have to go home with everything they see and do day to day to keep us safe .
When they go home after a shift , the gun and badge may stay in the locker, but the thoughts and feelings of what they endure and see each day stays with them..while they try and be a father, or a mother, they see the crimes, they hear the tears , they feel the loss of life day in and day out ..everyday of every shift and yet most of us …just EXPECT this from them ?
Without names or departments…I will say this cause the media wont tell you , and either will any cop ..but I assure you that nearly 70 % of all Police officers may look strong and are strong on the outside…but inside their hearts and souls are being torn to shreds without any help from their employers, they are brutally over worked and are taking home more and more trauma than we the public have any idea .
Today was Thanks Giving ..and I am Thankful for Constable Leonard Isaac for driving hours into the back country all alone, just to meet me, flip out tire to help raise awareness to PTSD / Mental Health and take me with you to deliver court orders.
I feel and understand your position a lot more than I ever did Sir , and I have a lot more respect for all police officers around the world now knowing just how tough your job really is.
One day we will get ” the presumptive” clause passed, ( Bill M203) so all of our Emergency Service Providers can have access to the help they need sooner than later.
When I say “WE” .. I MEAN US —- THE PUBLIC who YOU risk your life for everyday.
Thanks giving happens once per year , we should all be Thankful everyday of the year for our Public safety workers.


.. but I am responsible for my recovery”.

Because of my #addiction, I nearly lost a true friend this summer.
While Fabian Peters, ( the WOLF) and I were flipping our tires over 37 kms in 30 long, cold, wet, miserable days across 7 mountains while shackled in over 50 pounds of solid steel chains, to raise awareness to #PTSD, I had learned the staggering suicide rate amongst our Canadian First Responders.

OVER 100 of our Police, Paramedics, Firemen, Corrections Officers, and Military have died by suicide in the past 2 years.

Here I thought it was just my personal SH*T luck that I had to spend nearly 4 years jumping through WCB’s B*LLSH*T hoops, suffering, begging, starving, with nowhere else to turn with a wound that was NOT visible and try over and over, year after year to try and prove my PTSD was work related.

Like as if I had spent my spare time while not at work, trying to do CPR on patients who were just killed in front of 4 billion people.

Still unsure how these people at WCB even think for a minute that my PTSD could have actually happened elsewhere, like what, at my step sons basketball practice, or wait , maybe while I was getting groceries that week, I guess living in a ski resort town I could have possibly witnessed a drive by shooting or even a armed robbery gone bad ????

If they treated my case like this, with over 4 billion witnesses, HOW DO YOU THINK THEY HANDLE all of their cases with all First Responders across the country?

Denial – Denial – Denial

Since Breaking the Chains BC started , I have 100’s upon 100’s of emails from so many First responders across the country that are on their 2nd – 9th year battling these people JUST TO GET HELP for a wound that is not visible.These are the men and women who risk their lives day in, and day out, NO QUESTIONS asked when we need them to respond to our emergencies , but yet, when they need the help , they spend YEARS asking for it , only to get the door slammed in their faces each time.

And to ice the cake , your co workers consider you weak, your friends, your partners, nobody wants to work with you .This is why most don’t speak up, and why I personally tried to take my life 3 times over the years…you become mentally exhausted, physically drained..the endless nightmares, depression, stress, guilt, shame and self medication becomes so over whelming that, speaking for myself ..I just wanted it all to stop, I couldn’t handle the thoughts of , ” I used to risk my life to save others, and now, I’m considered broken, weak and useless after countless years of helping serve the public, years of training, how many patients we respond to daily, weekly, monthly, yearly…we are ONLY HUMAN and adventually ..we break…That doesn’t make us weak – what makes us weak , actually makes us sick to think that our employers or Work Safe have done NOTHING to prepare us for these feelings, or circumstances.

I trained for many years and am actually looking at Work Safe OFA Level 3 training manual right now , and there is NOTHING about PTSD in it , and NOTHING in the book about how vital it is to speak up when your living with certain thoughts or feelings.

Actually wait , there is something, they call it Critical Incident Stress – may cause stomach aches, cramps, nausea, heartburn.

Really ??

I get that from eating at McDonalds , come on now , what kinda training manual is this? Ohhh wait – also says written by – ASSCLOWNS of BRITISH COLUMBIA ..( shakes head)

I trained for 10 months with the Fire Rescue , and recall spending 3 full 8 hour days learning how to fold tarps, but yet, not one single minute was spent learning anything about PTSD.We would spend hours every week training how to rescue and take care of our patients, but yet, not one minute learning about taking care of OURSELVES or the signs and symptoms to pick up on in ourselves or our co workers.

Isn’t WORK SAFE supposed to mean just that? So when will they even train us or take the preventative measures for us to BE SAFE and WORK SAFE so we can go home SAFE to our families and lives.

( I’ll move onto my actual post now )

back in April , I had got a Facebook Friend Request from a man named Scotty Haywood, he writes me and says –

4/21, 2:10pm
Scotty Haywood
Hi Terrance……. I am friends with Jen and Ceroa … I am deaf … I understand where you are coming from . My Grandpa who just passed at 94 yrs old , 2 yrs ago . He had PTSD from WW2 .

I didn’t know anything about PTSD ….I think its interesting to learn about it…. Umm …being a deaf person can be very stressful because you can’t hear what’s going on around you… We will meet one day….. Be Strong ….Scotty…😀

Without cutting and pasting 100’s of messages between Scotty Haywood and I , I’ll sum it up like this and tell you why Scotty plays a huge role in everything thats happened this summer and how my #addcition almost cost me a real Friend.

I had got this message from Scotty, while I was in Germany learning from the Chief Commander Peter Dietz, and his son ( paramedic Michael Dietz, of why in 20 years they do not have 1 single First responder die by suicide.

Bottom line…they get the help the minute they ask for it, on top of all their prevention programs they have in place, and the fact that ” TO SPEAK DOESN’T MAKE YOU WEAK” ..unlike here in Canada.

I knew one thing had to happen, WCB needed to change their law and in order to do so , we needed to make the public more aware that WCB does NOT recognize PTSD and inform the Canadian public that WCB forces our Emergency Service Providers to spend years trying to prove that their PTSD is work related. ( even with solid proof, they are still denied 99 % of the time.

So , this is where Scotty comes in , I invited Scotty to meet me over at the Legislature Building on Canada Day so we could start our petition and getting a few signatures to one day show the government how many of the Canadian public also feels that this law should change.

Scotty shows up , with his friends and family and even so much as helped us carry our banner donated from North American Fire Fighter Veteran Network while we spent hours talking to the public.

I was certainly expecting the public to sign our petition yes, but the over whelming support was knee buckling.

I felt bad during that weekend that I couldn’t spend more time with Scotty due to my selfish greed in getting more and more and more signatures.

It was tough for me to have a conversation with Scotty obviously due to my lack of sign language and my own mind that couldn’t figure out what was being said …i can’t even imagine how he must feel each day his entire life since age 4.

Though our facebook conversations though, Scotty revealed to me what makes his feel good, what makes him happy, and feel at peace with life ..he says he LOVES TO FISH , and go ATVing.

I gave him my word we would do so this summer.

Now, the addict in me kicked in, theres a saying in our recovery groups “One is too many, and a Thousand is never enough”.

Well, thats just what happened with these signatures for me this summer..the first signature was to many for me , and a thousand was just not enough.

I spent nearly 20 hrs a day, 7 days a week like as if I was in full blown addiction this summer trying to get more and more and more signatures, try and help more and more people ..I traded my drug addiction for a new found high…signitures.

Signatures that I felt would one day help those who are Suffering in Silence, signatures that would one day maybe help those who risk their lives for us get the help they deserve the minute they ask for it , the same as when we call 911 – thats how fast our emergency service providers should get the help also .

All summer I kept putting Scotty off ..over and over. fueling my signature addiction, and yet the man showed up at each and every one of our events, carrying the sign and just watching my back…Scotty didn’t talk the talk – – this man WALKS THE WALK with no excuses.


He’d email me and ask , ” can we go fishing”, id always come up with the same old, ah I’m sorry man too busy .

The entire summer went by, and didn’t even take a day off all summer for myself …giving , and giving , and giving , never sharing my self or time with anybody but this internet, and trying to do what ever it took to help those in need.

Well..I’m proud to sit here today , and look at the thousands upon thousands of signatures our team has got since day one when Scotty showed up to support us and help carry the sign in Victoria, British Columbia.

Im even more happy , to say that , just last week, we finally made the time, and Scotty showed up here to my cabin in the backcountry and we went fishing and atv’in.

It may not seem like much to most, but for me, this was one of the most special friendships I’ve ever made…Thank you Scotty for your patience, time and support. I love you brother and am grateful for you reaching out to me on this facebook.

For me personally , Im not 100 % healed from PTSD nor will I ever be , but what I try to do today to help others, selfishly, helps me heal..and dam right brother…im addicted to it.. and like most addicts, will die doing so.

Im not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery, and just for today , I recover by Knowing MYSELF, so I can just BE MYSELF and LOVE MYSELF, and simply do the right thing for myself and others and thats what keeps my mind , body and soul balanced.

I am proud to be an addict.

If people could try and better understand ADDICTION, and try not to put us into just the “drug” category when they hear the word ADDICT , we would all better connect together and enjoy our gift of life today without the stigma.

CBC news update yesterday –

MPs urge Ottawa to help first responders with PTSD –

11 months DRUG FREE - " but I have a prescription"

11 months ago, I was at my cousin Curtis Harriott – MMA title fight at the Hard Rock Casino Vancouver when I bumped into bro of mine that I used to go to Narcotics Anonymous with years earlier.
I was pretty stoked to see him and tell him how proud I was for being clean from cocaine, herion, and crystal meth now for nearly 1 year.


He asked if I was still taking the oxycontin for pain management.
I had been taking many pain killers over the years as I have 3 fully degenerated disks in my lower back that pinch the nerves so bad that I often can not feel my legs, pain unbearable, and also a fully torn ACL, and completely blown ligament in my elbows, on top of a torn Supraspinatus muscle in my shoulder.
Oh, and to ice the cake, in 2014, I had broke my pelvis nearly in half. ( open book fracture – 1 steel plate 6 bolts put me back together, but not without leaving me with a 4 inch hernia that isn’t painful but sure feels awkward to say the least.
Anyhow, boohoo poor me , yes, 11 months ago I was consuming many pain killers just to get my ass outta bed in the morning and on with my day.
My bro says to me that I am NOT CLEAN, if I am still consuming even so much as 1 pain killer.
I actually walked away from him pretty pissed that night and thought to myself “but I have a prescription”??
I went home and later said to myself, “SELF, what happens when I start Breaking the Chains BC , flipping that tractor tire 30 kms in 30 days to raise awareness to #PTSD and the media or the people get wind that I’m still using opiates to get through my day”?
They will not listen to all my surgical excuses, all they will do is judge me and think of me as a #addict still.
Do they really know what an ADDICT is though or what we live with each day?
They should put their cell phone away for 30 days, ok wait that would be impossible, try 7 days, and have a small taste of what #addcition is like.( raises an eye brow)
Time to check into Vancouver Coastal Health Detox Services – Nexus ( AGAIN )
Opiate withdrawal – personal experience.
You ever try to dig through your skin just to pull your veins out ONLY TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER ?
You ever have 15-25 days of extreme insomnia, where your mind is so wide awake but yet all you can hear are the voices of your thoughts wirlwinding through your mind like a freight train doing 9000 miles per hour, and yet, everyone around you is sleeping.
You ever have your nose run like a faucet for 3 weeks straight, while your arms flail around uncontrollably and your legs just wont stop shaking, so you just pace the room like a budgie in a cage, back n forth back n forth , GOING NOWHERE
You ever sit their for weeks with NO thoughts or TO MANY thoughts while the people around you look at you as though your completely insane?
That feeling you get when you try to get out of bed, but every single hair on your body feels like they are broken bones – dope sick
How about that moment you think you were asleep but wake up to buckets of sweat tickling your belly as the toxins pour out of your soul as you lay there for weeks shivering and wanting to cry but your pours bleed sweat instead of your soul crying tears. BRUTAL
( list of tourcher goes on )
As of today, I have not figured it all out by all means, but will say that I have learned a few things that help me get thought each day one day at a time which has got me 11 months in so far without any drugs OR PAINKILLERS ( drugs ) 100 % clean
Im certainly not a doctor, but if I was to suggest my personal medicine to any human looking to BREAK FREE, to a more clean, organic, happier, stress free, depression free life would be as follows.
1) excersise
2) nutrition / hydration
3) meditation / spirituality / higher power / forgiveness
4) volunteer and help someone for a minimum of 2 hours each day NO EXCUSES
and simply #knowyourself, #beyourself, #loveyourself
We will not just stop being ADDICTS, but we have the choice today to change what we are addicted to.
I am eternally grateful for my friends and family in my life today and for all of my new facebook friends out their around the world.
Thank you for believing in me, and always sharing our program and helping support all that we at Breaking the Chains BC does to help raise awareness to PTSD / ADDICTION / MENTAL HEALTH.
Without your support, LIKES and SHARES, we certainly wouldn’t be where we are today to help those who are still suffering and trying to survive in the #darkness, #depressed, #anxious, #stressed, #addicted, #suicidal, #withouthope, #PTSD
Our mind is the worst enemy , connecting together as people, supporting and understanding each other without the dollar, without judgment, without the drugs, is our strongest weapon against mental illness / addiction no matter what age you are or how dark the day may seem.
VERY SPECIAL THANK YOU today to Scott Tha Funk Mclaughlin for trusting me with his motorcycle this past weekend to go on a recovery ride put on by Last Door Recovery Society that raised thousands of dollars to go towards their #youth at #risk / #family program.
Thank you Ralf Slossarek for keeping a 5 star roof over my head, food in my belly and gas in the tank all weekend.
Without the support from these 2 close brothers of mine, My life and journey today would not be possible.
Dam , another 3:30 am post – Did I ever tell you addicts never stop?
Especially when driven with our hearts .. enjoy your day .
photo by Kayla Arnold