Let the Games Begin - Terrance Joseph Kosikar - Final Chapter

* OUR WORK IS DONE .. GOODBYE CANADA ** ( sad face )
Now boarding flight LH937 back to Germany, to finish writing the final Chapter of my book ..“Let the Games Begin”.
Nearly 2 years ago, I recall sitting under my gazebo a broken man, not a penny to my name, I had lost everything, my family, my friends, my career, my sanity, as I had just climbed down off the Lions Gate bridge from my 3rd and final attempt at trying to end my life only days earlier.

I looked up into the universe for my strength, as it was obvious to me that I still had work to do on this earth as a human, ending my life was NOT an option any longer.
Time to get my ass in gear, and take the many, many years of trying to survive (uneducated) with a wound that was not visible #PTSD, but yet quite vivid in my every day life, my mind, my shattered spirit, my every heartbeat bled nothing but nervousness, stress, depression, anxiety and a deeper depth of darkness than words will ever describe.
It had taken a few weeks, and a lot of hard work to battle though my usual, ever so easy to escape, self medication tool – drugs, and its brutal withdrawals to realize, that it was simply my environment that kept me from getting better and getting the help that I needed not only from within – from from a much higher power.
I sat one morning after my meditation as it dawned on me that , maybe I should write a book , and the answers to my destiny will soon fall into place?
Was I prepared to have a very large X on my back for the rest of my life for writing this book?
Absolutely was, after 3 suicide attempts, I had nothing more to loose and felt in my heart that all I had endured had to be shared to help myself heal and help those who may also be trying to survive the same life I had led for so long shackled in chains, and waking each day to the same nightmare, the same vicious cycle that often leads us to the end of our ropes or even worse, self tourcher consuming all the meds and street drugs self medicating our wounds – numbing our minds – further separating our spirit from ourselves.
I had called a publishing company 2 years ago asking for a grant to write my book.
They said to me, I needed to give them my first chapter, middle chapter and my final chapter edited and book ready and they would consider giving me a grant..
I banged out my first chapter, middle chapter and got to the final chapter and thought, when I do release this book , and maybe end up shot one day because of it, is this how I want my book or the movie to end…with only a simple story of how I escaped the grasps of evil, a life riddled with addiction, heartache, and loss, as I ran off into the mountains and got my life back, naturally ?
I asked myself , if I had went to watch this movie or read this book i’d want my dam money back , how lame , after all that I had endured in life, THIS IS HOW IT ENDS ..this is my final chapter?
So, I slammed the pages down, stood up strong, proud, and looked up into the universe, thankful, grateful for my life today , and said to myself, I have a opportunity today to make the BEST DAM final chapter to my own book, I am in control of my destiny, I have a gift of life today that is not governed by laws, rules, or judgements from anybody.
I AM FREE, and strong today, as are YOU, to do what I, or we wish to do with our lives and to live my own dream, to chase my own goals, to do as I wish today for ME, and the desire to simply help, and educate as many people as possible who may still be suffering in silence, and the selfless need to connect with those people and offer support, love, compassion, along with healthy natural tools that we can all use to heal, and enjoy our life today one day at a time.
The training began, and all my dreams and goals went straight onto the pages, I had found my purpose – something to drive for, the need to help others get their lives back the same way I did, Naturally, but how was I going to do this ?
I had not a penny to my name, and had no idea how to use the internet, my tires on jeep were bald as, and I was 100’s of kms away from people, without food, no heat, but I did have a dream and I focused on it.
I could NOT change yesterday, and tomorrow wasn’t here yet, so I had no choice but to LIVE IN THE NOW – Lebe das Jetzt !
Now, 2 years later I’m off to #Germany, to spend the next few months, excited to be writing the final chapter many dreams and goals that I never thought were possible, until I just set both feet firmly onto the ground, believed in myself, and took one small step after the other, never allowing anything to get in the way – NOTHING
I assure you, after these past 2 years, of just reaching out, asking for help, admitting and accepting to myself for me and turing all of my downfalls into strengths, and forgive those who I feel may have done me wrong over time, have learned one thing for sure…this is NOT THE FINAL CHAPTER , but rather only just the beginning, and have really learned that , there is a lot more support from so many people out there – we just have to be #humble, set our #ego aside, let our guard down and ask for it.
BE REAL WITH YOURSELF, AND TO THOSE WHO YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH.
IT’S NOT WEAK to SPEAK #itsnotweaktospeak
Without the genuine support, and #compassion from so many, (YOU) I’d still be sitting in the middle of the backcountry mountains with NOTHING.
You have a dream, and a goal also .. I know you do, we all do -THEN GO FOR IT – #NO #EXCUSES – anything is possible as long we can be stronger than our worst enemy – our minds – drive with your heart and soul and you will never be defeated.
The secret = $0.00
Connect truly with others from your heart,
#Believe in yourself.. and #LOVE YOURSELF
Thank you, to all of you, who have believed in me, and have helped support my dreams and goals, none of this would be possible without YOU –
Be sure to join us this Feb 12, 2017, as we are declaring it now .. NATIONAL PTSD AWARENESS DAY, Because we can, and JUST DID !!
instagram _breakingthechainsbc_
twitter @BreakingTCBC
website www.breakingthechainsbc.com
facebook Terrance Joseph Kosikar

Terrance Talks LIVE tonight on facebook - TRUTH IS TOLD - life story - unedited

PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED -#ADULTSONLY – #RATEDR – #XXX- foul language – no #nudity – warning — *will cause triggers*
TRUTH IS .. I am ashamed, and disgusted with myself.
( looks down at the ground, grits teeth, and shakes my head )

BUT, after 30 long years, of wrong turns, dead ends, and bad decisions, thankfully they have all contributed to WHO I AM TODAY, and is exactly why I do what we are doing today to raise awareness to #PTSD / #MentalHealth / #Addiction / #Recovery.
A friend of mine strongly suggested that I do not do this “Terrance Talks” tonight LIVE on facebook at 7pm as he says I need to keep my posts POSITIVE on facebook.
Well… “THERE’S NOTHING POSITIVE”, about PTSD, Mental Illness, #stress, #depression, #suicide or #Addiction.
Last week I had received an email, from a new facebook Friend Kara Bentley.She had asked if I would be interested in coming to a women’s #RecoveryHouse in Richmond to share my #lifestory on Monday October 17th at 7 pm. ( LIVE on facebook tonight)
I’ll tell you one thing right now, I am unsure how “exactly” all of this ends up coming around full circle like this,( answer-higher power) but as it does, it gives me more confidence in understanding and knowing that all of our experiences in life, are all truly meant to happen, and certainly do so for a good reason and is simply the way our higher power has each of our destinies written for us.
We are not in control of this, its just the way it is.
It all happens because they are our lessons, our education needed to truly find ourselves, so we can just be ourselves, know ourselves and LOVE ourselves without judgement from others and live without the guilt, shame, stress , and depressing thoughts that we don’t always have the life that everyone else seems to have in the movies, magazines, television, or that happy happy life everyone seems to have on this UNSOCIAL media – disconnected
Even though most times we don’t understand or find ourselves often wondering, “WHY THE FUK is all this SH*T always end up happening to me”?
Why does it seem to be, that I AM the only one who must live with these thoughts, these feelings, this vicious cycle of battling from within the ” DEEPEST- DARKEST – DEPTHS – of the DEVILS belly?
Id rather die than wake up tomorrow to the same tourchure, tears, heartache, stress, guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety that these last years, days, and minutes have given me.
When will I just smile and enjoy the rain on my face instead of the feeling like I am shackled with chains, gaged at my throat, in this burning inferno, as nobody understands me nor can I even trust anyone to tell my thoughts or feelings to without them laughing, judging, or just kicking me to the curb without the weeks, months or even years of back stabbing and two faced bullSH*T drama?
Why must I always pretend to be, or dress or act like someone I am NOT, just to try and keep up with what society says I should be when I am nothing of the sort.
Why can’t I just be NORMAL – when will the doctors figure out the right balance of drugs to give me so I can just be happy, instead of facing this cold, harsh, depressing reality I seem to live with more often then anybody else?
I truly feel honoured that Kara Bentley says that my story inspires her, and feels that I would make a good guest speaker at her recovery house.
Only 2 years ago, I was homeless, and wanting to take my own life, and now somehow a small fish nobody like me, is someones inpriration?
Gift of recovery – #GRATEFUL !
I assure you that, that paths I’ve chosen in life, is not something you are probably prepared to hear about but ..its the truth, and its who I am, and perscily why I am doing what we are doing in life today to help others who are still suffering in silence.
Sorry Ma , time to just tell it how it is, TIME TO GET REAL / RAW , I’m no longer afraid.
Being an ADDICT does NOT MEAN for a minute that you have to be that guy or girl with a needle in your arm or a glass dick in your mouth.
Today, now that I have a better idea about addiction and have learned how to use my disease of addiction in my favour and be proud of being an addict, tonight I will share with you not just the reality of my entire life story, but also happily share with you some of the tools we can all use each day to help manage, and surpress the onset of the symptoms from taking us out at the knees and landing us into the hands of hell.
As I’ve said many times before, I am simply just an ol backcountry farmer, planting seeds.
My personal story is something I am certainly not proud of, and by telling it , will more than likely cause me to loose a few of our sponsors, a few of my friends and followers, and may even get shot or arrested after this talk.
But, like a good movie, book or even a massage, this story certainly has a HAPP-EH ENDING ..( haha )
IT’S NOT WEAK TO SPEAK !!
You can help water the seeds I plant tomorrow, so together, we can connect as humans, grow, and help each other heal naturally.

WARRANTS FOR MY ARREST ? Tribal police flips tire to help raise awareness to PTSD

After hours of intense interrogation, by Constable Leonard Isaac, of the Tribal Police Stl’Atl’Imx, Mr.Terrance Joseph Kosikar refused to testify and is protected under s. 13 of the Charter from having any incriminating statements “used to incriminate himself in any proceedings against him at this time.

Kosikar says.
“It’s not very often you see many people where I live out here in the backcountry, so today was very odd to me when I heard the rumble of a truck creeping its way up the long road to my cabin.”
I got the binoculars out, and to my surprise, it was a Tribal Police Truck.
Kosikar admits
He immediately, ran inside the cabin and put all the guns away..grabbed his camera and started filming this unique situation.
Ya see , even when people get shot up here , or stabbed, its still very rare for the police to show up.
Do I have a warrant for my arrest ?
Maybe hash tagging FBI – Federal Bureau of Investigation , or BC RCMP wasn’t such a good idea in a lot of my recent posts ?
Sure enough, the truck pulled into my driveway, and yup..it sure was the P O L I C E
Relief came immediately, when the man said his name and I realized …wait a second …we’re Facebook Friends aren’t we ?
We talked for a few minutes in my driveway, and then invited Constable Leonard Isaac inside for a cup of matcha tea.
We stood on my deck for a few hours talking until the sun went down and learned many things about each others past and present.
Our conversation will forever be confidential, like it is with all my new facebook friends who reach out to me either through email, phone or in person, but I had one question for this man, why did he drive over 100 kilometres to my cabin to visit a small time, nobody like me ?
Constable Leonard Isaac, stated that he had been following Breaking the Chains BC on facebook for many months now after learning of our PTSD / Mental health Awareness program through one of our producers David Malysheff from Gamut Productions.
He had felt bad that he couldn’t take any time off this summer to join us in English Bay to help us flip our tire, so while he had just received 6 subpoena ‘s to give to people in our town, he thought he would stop in not only to meet me, but also get his hands on our tire to help raise awareness to PTSD and , even so much as invite me to ride along with him to deliver these court orders.
I tell ya one thing about this experience today..
First of all , I am honoured that this man drove over 100 kms to my cabin to meet me in person , and join me for tea and many hours of man to man conversation ..but this is where I learned something I never really understood and or felt until I sat in his police car as we drove around town .
It was the first time I had wished that I too was wearing a bullet proof vest, and had a gun on my hip.
In fact , as we parked at the first house to deliver the court order ..I seriously had asked him if he had an extra gun I could have in case shit went sideways.
I mean, we are easily over 100 kilometres from any back up and this man like most small town police , RIDE ALONE.
I have been in many situations in my life, but never one like this where i actually felt that my safety was seriously at a huge risk here
I can’t even believe this man, like many others in our country walk up to houses to either serve warrants, or even just respond to domestic calls or any other calls ALL ALONE ..with back up being HOURS away .
Every time he got out of his car to go knock on the door , I kept looking over my shoulder for someone to walk up and potentially shoot me in the side of the head .. or, I just kept looking up at the windows for someone maybe wanting to do the same to him …these people in the house have NO IDEA we are only serving court orders …what if these people inside are running game , or think we are there for a different reason and want go out guns a blazing …I sit n watch as he knocks on the doors and stands to the side …each person opens the door, he greets them with a smile , but not knowing who else is in the house or what THEY maybe thinking or feeling.
I can see why so many police officers are the way they are ..They have to be , especially in a world full of so many total loony toons.
PEOPLE
I couldn’t even imagine doing this sort of job 12 hrs a day , most often 6 days a week …without dropping names ..I have spoke with many many police officers in the last 6 months and may of them …have NOT EVEN GOT more than 1 day off per week for over a year.
Really pisses me off when I see what the media only shows the people …the media is always showing how cops are beating or shooting someone by accident.
Why can’t the media show how over worked our Canadian Police officers are ?
Why do they only ever show the bad stuff ? why never the good stuff that 1000’s of Police officer do to risk their lives every minute they walk the street?
How would you feel if every person who walked by you at work, weather in your office or even at the coffee shop could potentially SHOOT YOU ??
How would we feel going to a job that , one minute your called to a suicicde, and while doing the paper work on that call, you end up going to a child rape call, and then showing up to a call where some goof just beat a woman black n blue to the point she can’t even say her own name , on top of being at the hospital and having a mentally ill patient grab objects and start beating you with them, and knowing you can’t do anything about it other than try and subdue this person and keep them in control ..call after call after call ..day after day .. and yet ..does anyone ever thank these police officer for their service ..or just EXPECT THEIR SERVICE when they need a cop ?
Why do we always see a cop and look the other way? When these are the HUMAN BEINGS who fight what we fear ?
We expect them to keep the drugs out of our children schools , we expect them to come running when their is a stranger peeking in your windows when you sleep , we expect them to hunt down the predators, we expect them to take bullets for us and have any of us actually looked up and thanked a police officer rather than worry about getting a ticket or is our seatbelt fastened or are we speeding?
Do we ever stop for a minute and take a look at all the bullshit crimes that go on every minute of every day .some people don’t even pull to the side of the road when they hear a siren, do we even think for a second that someone maybe be dying or is bleeding..and who do you think shows up to stop the bleed or secures a a crime scene or hunts down the murderer, rapist, drug / weapons dealer, or protects us against the criminals?
I spent many years when was younger committing these crimes the police respond too, and let me tell you first hand, most will never know or ever see what really goes on in the streets, in the jails, in the darkest of alleyways which even some of the most seasoned criminals wouldn’t event walk down on a good day.
Take a minute today – and if you see a cop , wave, smile , thank them for not only risking their lives to PROTECT us, but also be grateful we don’t have to go home with everything they see and do day to day to keep us safe .
When they go home after a shift , the gun and badge may stay in the locker, but the thoughts and feelings of what they endure and see each day stays with them..while they try and be a father, or a mother, they see the crimes, they hear the tears , they feel the loss of life day in and day out ..everyday of every shift and yet most of us …just EXPECT this from them ?
Without names or departments…I will say this cause the media wont tell you , and either will any cop ..but I assure you that nearly 70 % of all Police officers may look strong and are strong on the outside…but inside their hearts and souls are being torn to shreds without any help from their employers, they are brutally over worked and are taking home more and more trauma than we the public have any idea .
Today was Thanks Giving ..and I am Thankful for Constable Leonard Isaac for driving hours into the back country all alone, just to meet me, flip out tire to help raise awareness to PTSD / Mental Health and take me with you to deliver court orders.
I feel and understand your position a lot more than I ever did Sir , and I have a lot more respect for all police officers around the world now knowing just how tough your job really is.
One day we will get ” the presumptive” clause passed, ( Bill M203) so all of our Emergency Service Providers can have access to the help they need sooner than later.
When I say “WE” .. I MEAN US —- THE PUBLIC who YOU risk your life for everyday.
Thanks giving happens once per year , we should all be Thankful everyday of the year for our Public safety workers.

“I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DISEASE ..

“I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DISEASE ..
.. but I am responsible for my recovery”.

Because of my #addiction, I nearly lost a true friend this summer.
While Fabian Peters, ( the WOLF) and I were flipping our tires over 37 kms in 30 long, cold, wet, miserable days across 7 mountains while shackled in over 50 pounds of solid steel chains, to raise awareness to #PTSD, I had learned the staggering suicide rate amongst our Canadian First Responders.

OVER 100 of our Police, Paramedics, Firemen, Corrections Officers, and Military have died by suicide in the past 2 years.

Here I thought it was just my personal SH*T luck that I had to spend nearly 4 years jumping through WCB’s B*LLSH*T hoops, suffering, begging, starving, with nowhere else to turn with a wound that was NOT visible and try over and over, year after year to try and prove my PTSD was work related.

Like as if I had spent my spare time while not at work, trying to do CPR on patients who were just killed in front of 4 billion people.

Still unsure how these people at WCB even think for a minute that my PTSD could have actually happened elsewhere, like what, at my step sons basketball practice, or wait , maybe while I was getting groceries that week, I guess living in a ski resort town I could have possibly witnessed a drive by shooting or even a armed robbery gone bad ????

If they treated my case like this, with over 4 billion witnesses, HOW DO YOU THINK THEY HANDLE all of their cases with all First Responders across the country?

Denial – Denial – Denial

Since Breaking the Chains BC started , I have 100’s upon 100’s of emails from so many First responders across the country that are on their 2nd – 9th year battling these people JUST TO GET HELP for a wound that is not visible.These are the men and women who risk their lives day in, and day out, NO QUESTIONS asked when we need them to respond to our emergencies , but yet, when they need the help , they spend YEARS asking for it , only to get the door slammed in their faces each time.

And to ice the cake , your co workers consider you weak, your friends, your partners, nobody wants to work with you .This is why most don’t speak up, and why I personally tried to take my life 3 times over the years…you become mentally exhausted, physically drained..the endless nightmares, depression, stress, guilt, shame and self medication becomes so over whelming that, speaking for myself ..I just wanted it all to stop, I couldn’t handle the thoughts of , ” I used to risk my life to save others, and now, I’m considered broken, weak and useless after countless years of helping serve the public, years of training, how many patients we respond to daily, weekly, monthly, yearly…we are ONLY HUMAN and adventually ..we break…That doesn’t make us weak – what makes us weak , actually makes us sick to think that our employers or Work Safe have done NOTHING to prepare us for these feelings, or circumstances.

I trained for many years and am actually looking at Work Safe OFA Level 3 training manual right now , and there is NOTHING about PTSD in it , and NOTHING in the book about how vital it is to speak up when your living with certain thoughts or feelings.

Actually wait , there is something, they call it Critical Incident Stress – may cause stomach aches, cramps, nausea, heartburn.

Really ??

I get that from eating at McDonalds , come on now , what kinda training manual is this? Ohhh wait – also says written by – ASSCLOWNS of BRITISH COLUMBIA ..( shakes head)

I trained for 10 months with the Fire Rescue , and recall spending 3 full 8 hour days learning how to fold tarps, but yet, not one single minute was spent learning anything about PTSD.We would spend hours every week training how to rescue and take care of our patients, but yet, not one minute learning about taking care of OURSELVES or the signs and symptoms to pick up on in ourselves or our co workers.

Isn’t WORK SAFE supposed to mean just that? So when will they even train us or take the preventative measures for us to BE SAFE and WORK SAFE so we can go home SAFE to our families and lives.

( I’ll move onto my actual post now )

back in April , I had got a Facebook Friend Request from a man named Scotty Haywood, he writes me and says –

4/21, 2:10pm
Scotty Haywood
Hi Terrance……. I am friends with Jen and Ceroa … I am deaf … I understand where you are coming from . My Grandpa who just passed at 94 yrs old , 2 yrs ago . He had PTSD from WW2 .

I didn’t know anything about PTSD ….I think its interesting to learn about it…. Umm …being a deaf person can be very stressful because you can’t hear what’s going on around you… We will meet one day….. Be Strong ….Scotty…😀

Without cutting and pasting 100’s of messages between Scotty Haywood and I , I’ll sum it up like this and tell you why Scotty plays a huge role in everything thats happened this summer and how my #addcition almost cost me a real Friend.

I had got this message from Scotty, while I was in Germany learning from the Chief Commander Peter Dietz, and his son ( paramedic Michael Dietz, of why in 20 years they do not have 1 single First responder die by suicide.

Bottom line…they get the help the minute they ask for it, on top of all their prevention programs they have in place, and the fact that ” TO SPEAK DOESN’T MAKE YOU WEAK” ..unlike here in Canada.

I knew one thing had to happen, WCB needed to change their law and in order to do so , we needed to make the public more aware that WCB does NOT recognize PTSD and inform the Canadian public that WCB forces our Emergency Service Providers to spend years trying to prove that their PTSD is work related. ( even with solid proof, they are still denied 99 % of the time.

So , this is where Scotty comes in , I invited Scotty to meet me over at the Legislature Building on Canada Day so we could start our petition and getting a few signatures to one day show the government how many of the Canadian public also feels that this law should change.

Scotty shows up , with his friends and family and even so much as helped us carry our banner donated from North American Fire Fighter Veteran Network while we spent hours talking to the public.

I was certainly expecting the public to sign our petition yes, but the over whelming support was knee buckling.

I felt bad during that weekend that I couldn’t spend more time with Scotty due to my selfish greed in getting more and more and more signatures.

It was tough for me to have a conversation with Scotty obviously due to my lack of sign language and my own mind that couldn’t figure out what was being said …i can’t even imagine how he must feel each day his entire life since age 4.

Though our facebook conversations though, Scotty revealed to me what makes his feel good, what makes him happy, and feel at peace with life ..he says he LOVES TO FISH , and go ATVing.

I gave him my word we would do so this summer.

Now, the addict in me kicked in, theres a saying in our recovery groups “One is too many, and a Thousand is never enough”.

Well, thats just what happened with these signatures for me this summer..the first signature was to many for me , and a thousand was just not enough.

I spent nearly 20 hrs a day, 7 days a week like as if I was in full blown addiction this summer trying to get more and more and more signatures, try and help more and more people ..I traded my drug addiction for a new found high…signitures.

Signatures that I felt would one day help those who are Suffering in Silence, signatures that would one day maybe help those who risk their lives for us get the help they deserve the minute they ask for it , the same as when we call 911 – thats how fast our emergency service providers should get the help also .

All summer I kept putting Scotty off ..over and over. fueling my signature addiction, and yet the man showed up at each and every one of our events, carrying the sign and just watching my back…Scotty didn’t talk the talk – – this man WALKS THE WALK with no excuses.

SOLID BROTHER

He’d email me and ask , ” can we go fishing”, id always come up with the same old, ah I’m sorry man ..im too busy .

The entire summer went by, and didn’t even take a day off all summer for myself …giving , and giving , and giving , never sharing my self or time with anybody but this internet, and trying to do what ever it took to help those in need.

Well..I’m proud to sit here today , and look at the thousands upon thousands of signatures our team has got since day one when Scotty showed up to support us and help carry the sign in Victoria, British Columbia.

Im even more happy , to say that , just last week, we finally made the time, and Scotty showed up here to my cabin in the backcountry and we went fishing and atv’in.

It may not seem like much to most, but for me, this was one of the most special friendships I’ve ever made…Thank you Scotty for your patience, time and support. I love you brother and am grateful for you reaching out to me on this facebook.

For me personally , Im not 100 % healed from PTSD nor will I ever be , but what I try to do today to help others, selfishly, helps me heal..and dam right brother…im addicted to it.. and like most addicts, will die doing so.

Im not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery, and just for today , I recover by Knowing MYSELF, so I can just BE MYSELF and LOVE MYSELF, and simply do the right thing for myself and others and thats what keeps my mind , body and soul balanced.

I am proud to be an addict.

If people could try and better understand ADDICTION, and try not to put us into just the “drug” category when they hear the word ADDICT , we would all better connect together and enjoy our gift of life today without the stigma.

CBC news update yesterday –

MPs urge Ottawa to help first responders with PTSD –

http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/first-responders-report-ptsd-1.3791163